


Brian And Nick's Twelve Days Of Christmas

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Tree, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Kisses, M/M, Presents, Twelve Days of Fic-mas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-09 18:01:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5550083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(or How Nick fell in love with Christmas and Brian in twelve days.)</p><p>Twelve Days. Twelve Tasks. Twelve opportunity for Brian to make Nick fall in love with Christmas.<br/>And with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1st Day: It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas

 

_ 1st Day: It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas _

 

__

__

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quietly and silently, Brian slipped inside the house, thanking the fact that Nick usually forgot to lock the doors of his house. It had been years since he first set foot in that kitchen, circumstances and distance had always worked against them and the only times they met or stayed together were when they were recording or during tours.

A sigh of nostalgia and melancholy escaped his lips, melting within the air and then disappearing outside the window. He missed his friendship with Nick. He missed their relationship, those times when they could spend hours and hours together without even noticing that time was passing by. But that was the whole point of that project, wasn’t it? Brian wanted his best friend back, he wanted to show him that life and Christmas could be something special no matter how old he was or how many blows he had to endure in the past; he wanted to show him that, no matter what had come between them and how far they had travelled, Brian was going to be always there for him. To care. And to love him, even if it would be only as a friend.

Although Brian hoped for something more. Although a part of him, a part of his soul, kinda believed and held on to those words Aj had said to him when he had revealed him his project and the reason behind it, about how everyone already knew that Nick felt something for him, something much more different and deeper than simple and plain friendship. It had taken him years and years for Brian to finally accept that part of himself, that heart and soul that had waited and longed for someone he had never thought he could love; for so long he had tried to run away, tried to hide and hated himself because that love was something that went against everything he had been told and taught since he was a child. For so long he had tried to stay away, putting miles and miles between the other half of himself, that missing part that would had made him complete and much happier; for so long he had basically self destroying, to the point that now he had to build not only himself up once again but even a voice that had always been his pride and the base of his whole life.

No more, he had told himself after years of tears, frustration and being so weak that it had been a miracle he was still able to walk and stand tall. No more, he had promise himself because what good could bring trying to live up other’s expectation when the only thing that mattered was being happy? And Brian wanted that, wanted to finally be happy and made someone else’s for the rest of his life.

He wanted to love and make Nick’s happy. 

No sound came from the upstairs and that wasn’t a surprise: in those rare moments when Nick didn’t have thousand and thousand of plans, he loved sleeping until it was humanly possible.

And that worked in favor of Brian’s project.

The first white envelope weighted on his hands. He wasn’t sure about where to put it. He needed a place where he knew Nick would look as first thing, otherwise it would defeat the purpose of writing a letter with a list of things to do during the day. And this one could turn out to be pretty challenge and long so Brian needed to be sure that he was going to read it as soon as he woke up.

 _Where? Where could he possible put it?_ Brian kept wondering while moving around the kitchen that looked as if no one had ever used it. And that was probably the truth, knowing how Nick and cooking were two complete opposites that were never going to meet. But the windows opened on the ocean and there was a used mug sitting alone on the arm of one chair so it wasn’t a completely far – fetched idea to leave the envelope next to the coffee machine.

There was another possibility: he could go upstairs and creep inside his room while Nick was sleeping, leaving the envelope on the bed and then just disappear into air. But that was a little bit too much, no matter how much Brian wanted that crazy and weird project to take off as smoothly as possible: creeping inside Nick’s bedroom was totally stalkerish, something that a psychopath girlfriend or fan would do and he wasn’t neither of those things.

And then, the perfect idea came running through the kitchen in the form of Nacho, Nick’s dog, its tail swirling happily from right to left while he searched for food. Nacho followed Nick everywhere, even in the bathroom when he was taking a bath, so there wasn’t any objection to send the dog upstairs with the envelope while he brought inside all the things for the first task.

“Hey Nacho. – Brian exclaimed, crunching down to his knees and patting gently the back of the dog’s ears. – Want me to help with something for your master?”

The dog seemed to understand his words, licking with its rough tongue the back of his wrist.

“Oh, I promise you’ll get a reward too. You just need to take this letter to Nick, can you do it? – Nacho’s tail started to wiggle even more, as if he couldn’t wait to complete his task and get his reward. – Good boy. Don’t wake him up, though. It’s a surprise.” Brian patted the dog’s head while putting the envelope in his mouth and watching him disappearing towards the bedroom.

Now that one thing, the most important thing, had been completed, he just needed to put out the last details. His plan, the project to make Nick fall in love with Christmas, had just begun.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

Nick couldn’t say that it had been Nacho waking him up, licking his face with its tongue and then nuzzling his wet nose on his neck; he had been already lying in that particular and weird limbo between being conscious and still sleeping for a little while, though he couldn’t exact pinpoint what had brought him back from his dreams. He actually longed to go back to those because echoes and fragments still lingered in the back of his mind and they all rounded around sandy blond hair, which quite remembered the color of honey and sun, and eyes of the color of a summer sky so clear that you could almost reflect yourself inside it.

Yet, Nick couldn’t say what had woke him up. Something had happened, he might had heard a sudden and impossible rumor coming from downstairs but silence and tranquility were the only sound that his ears could and would pick up: birds were singing outside his window; the slight and faint echoes of the ocean rushing to the beach and then retiring back, taking with them inches of a love that had been doomed since the beginning. The air was filled of sun and sand, something that one couldn’t quite picture together with the upcoming winter and Christmas festivities. Usually. Not that morning. That morning there was something else in the air, an aroma that was quite familiar to Nick and, yet, he couldn’t quite identify it; perhaps he was still half asleep or, simply, there wasn’t anything strange and it was only a reminiscing of those dreams that he still wanted to reach and disappear within once again.

But Nacho was persistent, he kept nagging and nagging him like he always did when he brought back something from the yard or when there was something that he had to see.

“Okay, okay. I’m awake. I’m awake.” Nick sat up, stretching his arms and yawing while the sun crept inside the room, its rays landing on the carpet and playing with each other in a game of hide and seek. He leaned against the headboard of the bed, scratching the last sand of sleep off from his eyes, and then finally gave attention to Nacho that, quite happy with him about waking up his master, was now waiting for him to see the white letter in front of his paws.      

“What is it, Nacho? Did you pick it up from the beach?” Nick asked his dog, taking the white envelope in his hands and observing it: it didn’t look like something that had been lost, for its surface was still pretty clean and only bore the signs of being trapped between Nacho’s teeth and claws. There wasn’t any recipient or any information about the one who sent it. Or lost it. Or happened to leave it in his house.

“Is it for me? Nacho, did you see who left it?” It was like a rhetorical question for Nacho couldn’t actually reply him, no matter how smart he was. Or Nick thought he was. But the dog barked enthusiastic, his tail wiggling around as if he did indeed know about the mystery man.

Left without any real answer, Nick did the only thing he could do in a situation like that. Curiosity and anticipation already filled his veins, swimming along side with blood and pumping into his heart while his fingers quickly opened the envelope: inside he found only a page, its rich filigree painted in an opaque and antique white and scribbled black words in a calligraphy that Nick would and could recognize among thousands and thousands, not only for the multiple times he had read it on music sheets or in a signature that was known all around the world. Brian was one of the last people that were still set on writing by hands invitations or Christmas’, birthday’s cards and whatever could be written in a much simpler and easier email.

 _“There is something special when you send something handwritten. It feels more personal, less formal.”_ That was Brian’s reply when Nick had once asked him, after stumbling upon the older busy with a dozen of letters that had to be sent. Something was sure and that was that Brian was such a peculiar, and oh so special, person so Nick wasn’t really surprised by that letter he still had to unfold; on the contrary, that simple gesture touched him, shining a new light of warmth into a relationship that had seen better days in the past: in a way, that message implied that their friendship wasn’t completely and totally lost, it just needed a little bit more of attention and care.

And maybe, just maybe, it could turn out into something much deeper and important... With a sigh, Nick set that thought aside and concentrated on the task to unfold the page and read what Brian had written him:

 

_“... It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas._

_I bet you’ve singing it instead than plain reading it. And that was what I had in mind. I know, I know. You’re surprised. And curious. But, in reality, it’s very simple and you’re gonna laugh once you’ve finished reading this crazy idea. But, hey, if it wasn’t crazy it wouldn’t be me, right?_

_You used to ask me why I loved Christmas so much and I know that I’ve never been able to fully explain: you would smile,  tilt your head to one side while doing that expression, that screwed up nose and squinted eyes,  that always says that you quite don’t believe or get what I’m saying._

_It made me sad, you know?_

_It made me sad that someone like you, someone that managed to keep his childish spirit no matter what he’s been through, never had a Christmas. A real Christmas, like the ones you made me tell from my childhood._

_It still makes me sad, I guess._

_For so many years I wanted to do something, for so many years I wanted to show you how it really feels to live a special and magic Christmas. But I was scared. I was a coward, in so many ways and we both know how high it had been the price I paid._

_But that’s in the past. No more doubts. No more feeling a coward and hiding behind the image of someone that I don’t and I won’t ever be again. No more holding back, especially when it comes to love and to give back all the magical and blessing things I’ve received._

_You, Nick, are the first one. There are so many things that I regret, so many words that I shouldn’t have said and so many that I should have said; there are so many things that I shouldn’t have done and one thing that I should have done more than anything else. But, again, fear had been much powerful and it had been easy, so damn easy, to lie. To hide the truth._

_And that’s where Christmas comes. Christmas isn’t only about presents, lights and cookies. Christmas is that special time of the year when magic can happen. When you’re granted a second chance to start all over again, to erase all the wrongs you’ve done in the past and look brightly at the future. When you get the chance to make someone else’s happy, someone who maybe is thinking that he doesn’t belong in your life anymore, someone who doesn’t believe as much as you do. And that’s the reason of this letter and of this kinda crazy project that I have planned: I want to make you fall in love with Christmas._

_Twelve Days. Twelve days and twelve adventures. Twelve magical happening._

_I’m not forcing you, Nick. You can stop reading at this very moment and I won’t be mad, I promise. But if you’re curious, if my words have managed to get through your “I don’t believe in Christmas but I do believe that Santa might be an alien”, then turn the page and let’s begin.”_

Nick just chuckled, astonished by what he had just read. And, yet, a part of him wasn’t really surprised because that was Brian: suddenly, out of the blue, he would come up with something that no one had ever thought before, something just to make someone else’s happy or makes him smile again. He used to do it a lot back in the day, back when they could call themselves “Frick and Frack” and they were best friends in the world: it would just take one sad smile, one “ _I’ve never done that thing”_ and, before Nick could even start to wonder, Brian would come out with one of his crazy and so touching plans.

He was touched, Nick, because of the thought implied within that letter: the apology, so subtle and yet so clear that made him want to reach for his phone and call Brian; the love and caring, especially, that melted something inside his heart, some walls he had to built so he wouldn’t hurt anymore. Because Brian’s absence hurt like hell, it hurt like he had been missing a vital part of himself and Nick wouldn’t and couldn’t deny something that would bring the man back into his life.

So Nick turned the page and kept reading.

_“If you’re reading this, it means that you’ve accepted to play my game._

_Okay, knowing you, I’m already betting you have found a dirty and naughty meaning but let’s just move on, okay?_

_It’s not Christmas without lights. Without ornaments and decorations, even if they make your house look like it’s in the middle of a bad acid trip. Without a Christmas tree. There’s nothing better than taking one day, shut the world outside the door, and just spend the hours decorating and listening to all those songs that everyone say they hate but they do sing them nevertheless. Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit than finally seeing your house shining with colors and hope. That’s what they are. Lights are hope, lights are what you hold on to when your life had been filled with darkness and you can only look at the world in gray and black shades. Lights remind you that there’s always a rainbow after the storm, that there is a lighthouse to guide you among and between the strongest and highest waves._

_I guess you’ve already guessed what your first task is. In a bunch of minutes, there’s gonna be a knock on your door. Don’t be rude and smile at the boy who is gonna bring you the beautiful tree that I’ve personally chose for you. Smiling at someone you don’t know never hurt, right? Once you’ve placed the tree in the best corner of your living room, go in the kitchen where you’re gonna find all you need to decorate it. And, of course, my personal collection of Christmas music: put the albums on; sing along with Frank Sinatra, Mariah Carey, Dean Martin, Michael Bublé and Disney._

_And, remember, be joyful and merry._

_Be happy. If you smile, the world will smile back at you._

_Yours,  
Brian_

Nick didn’t even have the time to think over what he had just read for someone started knocking on the front door. Actually, he didn’t even need to reflect whether or not to go through the task, for he was already excited a little boy. In the previous years, decorating the tree had always been as a duty, something he felt the need to do only because everyone else did it. Or everyone else expected him to do it and share photos with the fans. So, for those years, Nick had always taken the easiest road and brought one of those already decorated tree.

Not now. Not anymore, at least.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Outside the night was still: an ocean of dark blue and bright stars that acted as small lighthouses, guiding cars and people as they went back home or wherever they were directed to. Inside Nick’s house, instead, multiple and varied colored lights alternating their shades as if they wanted to follow the rhythm of the happily and merry songs that the stereo blasted through all the rooms.

Nick took a step back, admiring the hard work he had done in all those hours. He was quite proud of it and, surprisingly, he felt his face burning with something that was, without a doubt, the flames of happiness. He didn’t know when it happened, when his lips had turned into this bright and so big smile that his cheeks were actually hurting, but it wasn’t something that important. What mattered was that his heart, his whole soul and spirit, seemed and felt much lighter than before, as if hanging lights and ornaments managed to steal away all his troubles and problems, placing them somewhere he couldn’t reach. Nick was content. Even if he was all alone in that house that had always seemed, been, so big and empty.

There was just one thing missing. Well, actually one thing and one person but, for the moment, Nick just focused on the easier problem to solve: the tree’s point was still bare, for that hadn’t been the right decoration in all the boxes that Brian had left for him in his kitchen. It was strange, and weird, that Brian would miss something that important.

So Nick did the only thing he could come up with in that moment: he picked up his phone, left lonely for hours on the couch, and took a picture of his fresh decorated tree; he then sent the photo to Brian with a brief message that read “ _I think you’re forgotten something, didn’t you?”_

No reply. Nothing, though Nick could see that Brian had read the message. Maybe he was embarrassed? Ashamed for his mistake? Nick had meant his words as a playful joke, how could he be mad for something so trivial after everything that Brian had done for him? He was about to send another text, words that were intended to soothe whatever bad feeling the previous one had sent, when a light knock came from the front door.

A knock that Nick would have recognize everywhere because it was their special knocking, a secret code that him and Brian had created back when they first started touring so they would always knew when to open the door and when it was better to lie and fake sleeping. It was stupid, Nick knew it, but he couldn’t help that little tear that started to form in the corner of his eyes, tear that he immediately brushed off as he walked to open the door. It was stupid but, at the same time, it was just another sign that Brian hadn’t forgotten all their history, a relationship that no matter how distant and broken had became, still managed to have a precious corner inside Nick’s heart.

Nick opened the door and there Brian stood, smiling happily and holding a star shaped decoration in his hands.

“You really thought that I could have forgotten about this, didn’t you?”

“Well, you know... you’re not young anymore…”

“My memory still works very well, thank you very much. – Brian replied playfully, letting himself inside. – I’m not the one who even forgets about his brother’s birthday.”

“I object. It was just a slip out.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself this lie...”

“Aj is even worse than me.”

“No one can win against Aj in that matter. – Both men started laughing, the air echoing their sounds and bringing them outside. – So, did you have fun?”

“You’re crazy, you know this?” Nick asked, tilting his head to the left and smiling.

“Never said that I was normal.”

“That’s true. – Nick agreed, leading Brian towards his living room to show him his work. – Yes, I had fun. And I hope you’ll like the result.” He added in the end, his tone lowering and latched with a tone of warmth and gratitude.

Brian stood in front of the Christmas tree, silent at least for the first moments: it was beautiful indeed, lights and decorations perfectly combined together. But the most beautiful sight wasn’t upon the green branches, some of them carrying fake aliens or zombies ready to eat brains, but the smile and the light of happiness that shone upon Nick’s face. That smile, those bright blue eyes made everything worth it. His plan, at least the first day, had been a success and that was what he had wanted.

To make Nick happy. To show him how fun Christmas was. To show him how much he still cared, and loved, him.

“It will be more beautiful once you add this.” Brian just said, handing the start over to Nick.

Nick placed a hand upon that plastic golden star but he didn’t take it, letting his fingertips brushing Brian’s. A spark originated from that brief contact, a shot of electricity that travelled along the veins and reached the brain, sending a message that wasn’t that hard to comprehend, nor that easy to misunderstand. Blue eyes locked into blue eyes, lights reflecting and letting something came up as an unexpected but so welcomed wave.

“Do you want to hang it together?” Nick asked, his voice soft and full of tenderness.

Another smile. Another pang of warmth that washed over Nick’s soul, melting an ice that had been covering his soul and heart for so long.

“I’m a little too small.”

“Oh. Right. – Flush of red embarrassment appeared on Nick’s cheeks, as he quickly turned around so Brian wouldn’t see that emotion flashing. – Sorry. I always forgot that you’re like an elf.”

Brian softly laughed at that joke, letting Nick take the star from his hands. “It’s okay. And it should be you the one hanging the star. It’s your first Christmas tree, after all.”

And so Nick did it. And so Nick hung the star at the top of the tree, stepping then back and admiring the work finally completed.

It was perfect.

The star completed the tree as if it had always meant to stand the rest, up above and shining so much hope and happiness. Yet, Nick couldn’t shake away the thought that the brightest star was, in reality, the sandy haired man that was standing next to him, happy as he had rarely seen in the previous months and years.

Yes, Brian had always been his star, the brightest star in his sky and universe: familiar, constant and always, always, so far above him. Even during his darkest phase, Brian hadn’t fallen in his same pit, that despair made of drugs, hate and so little will to believe in something positive; Brian had held himself with such dignity and strength, never backing down or allowing himself to be tempted by mere chimeras, that it wasn’t a wonder that Nick couldn't help but to keep falling more and more in love with him. And feel, more and more, as if Brian had been so far off, so unattainable that Nick had never tried to scoot a little closer or to try to put an arm around his shoulder and push him against his body.

  
But, as the lights kept shining and notes kept filling the air, Nick found the courage to do it: he reached out with his right arm, encircling Brian’s small figure, resting his hand on the shoulder and then slowly, almost quite afraid about Brian’s reaction, pushing his body slightly against his. Time stood still for a moment, a long and endlessly moment that Nick’s mind filled with all the kind of thoughts and doubts possible; he waited, Nick, for Brian to suddenly pull away and making some jokes to alleviate the embarrassment and the awkwardness of the situation.

None of that happened. Rather, Brian adjusted himself so that he was basically leaning against him, his head resting on Nick’s shoulder and the sweet aroma of his cologne blinding every other perfume and enveloping Nick in a warm and invisible bubble of happiness and satisfaction. A content sigh flew in the air, but none of them couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to say whose lips it escaped from. Nick just turned his head towards Brian, just to be sure that it was really happening and it wasn’t just part of his dreams or fantasy but  the warm smile that he got in return from Brian was the best reward for that first day of Christmas.

 

 

 

    


	2. - Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow -

_ 2nd Day: Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian took a step back, arms crossed over his chest as he studied very carefully how his second project had turned out: he wasn’t totally convinced about it, some parts still needed to be worked on so that they could be just perfect, exactly how he had imagined, planned and projected. Life, and especially the last years and the earthquake that had shaken his entire world and had forced him to revaluate everything he knew about himself, had soften that trait of his character and that need to always try and thrive for perfection: that had been one of the reason why he had always pushed himself so hard and why it had never been enough, why he had never been totally satisfied with the outcome, no matter how much he had tried or how many times people told him it was okay and good. But okay and good weren’t enough, especially when it came to these kind of things.

Especially when it came to Nick.

It had always been like that, even though years had passed by and the youngest didn’t need any more someone to look up to and who would set an example to follow. But it didn’t matter because, still, Brian thought that he should, or better, had to be perfect and there wasn’t any other way when it came to love. Or organize something so out of the world like that second day.

“Stop it.” A raspy voice came from behind his back, interrupting the whole debate about if he should move one of the snowflakes or if he should just add another one, like that lonely white piece that no one had seemed to notice.

“I’m not doing anything.” Brian replied, rolling his eyes because that was actually the truth since he was just standing in the centre of the room. But he knew what Aj was meaning and that thought always led to the wondering when the friend had become so good in reading him, something that only another person had been able to do. Or, truthfully, only another person had been allowed to since Brian had always been so guarded and carefully into letting other people get a glimpse of the person hidden behind the smiling and always happy mask.

“You might look like you aren’t doing nothing but I know.”

“What do you know?”

“That you are actually going over and over about how not everything is perfect. Which is totally crazy and stupid because it is. Look at what you’ve done! – Aj exclaimed, his arms open to underline what he was talking about. – Of course, my help had been essential but... you’ve done it. So stop it!”

“That snow…” Brian didn’t even seem to have heard his words, his attention still focused on that snowflakes that was now lying inside his hands.

“... Is okay where it is. Let it go.” Even before the last word had left his mouth, Aj knew what was going to happen. A groan escaped his lips as soon as he saw his friend preparing to sing the song that, Aj was sure as hell about, was going to haunt his life forever and ever.

“ _Let it go. Leeet it goo...”_ Brian’s voice started to fill the air, light and clear as it had never been in such a long time.

“Oh God.” Aj hid his face into his hands, although a small smile managed to get through the annoyance brought by that song. It was so good to see Brian going back to his old self, the guy who would burst into a song at the top of the hat, simply inspired or reminded by a single word. Or simply because he felt like, his spirit so careful and free of any of those fears and doubts that had haunted him for years and years.

Maybe, that crazy idea that Brian was realizing, that crazy project to make Nick fall in love with him – although everyone already knew that Nick had been in love with the oldest since forever – wouldn’t just be good only for Nick; maybe realizing this extraordinary project for Nick would make Brian remember that he was, indeed, an extraordinary person too, whether his voice would come back or not.

“ _Can’t hold it back anymore!”_

“Stop. Please. Just stop.”

Brian interrupted himself before he could go fully on a perfect imitation of Elsa He slowly turned around and looked slightly confused towards his friend. “Stop what?”

“That song. First and most important stop singing that song. And stop worrying. It’s already more than anyone has ever made for him. He’s gonna love it even if it’s not perfect. He’s gonna love it just because you have made it for him.”

“I know. – Brian grunted, slightly annoyed because he knew that Aj was right and trying to hide that warmth that was already spreading all over his cheek at those last words spoken. – I just want him to be surprised.”

“And he will. And if he won’t... well, then we’ll know that there is something really wrong with his head.” The playful joke managed to get some of the stress and pressure melt away, as Brian finally managed to grasp what he had realized.

Wow.

He looked around, really looked around and in that moment, in that very and precise moment, he knew that it was going to be a success. Maybe a cynic adult would turn his nose up but a child, oh, a child would just stare in awe and wonder if he could start a snow fight in the middle of the living room.

And Nick... well, Nick was like a child trapped inside the body of an adult. So there was no doubt that he was going to love it.

“Thanks, Aj. Seriously. I wouldn’t be able to do all of this without your help.”

“Just know that you’re going to plan Ava’s birthday parties for the rest of her life.” And with a last burst of laughter, Aj waved goodbye and left Brian all alone.

There were just two things left to do but, for one, he needed again the help of someone else. Actually, someone with a fur, a tail and a huge desire to wake his master up.

“Nacho, you already know what you have to do, right?”

The only sound filling the air was a happy and cheerful bark as the dog travelled upstairs, ready to wake Nick up and get another treat.

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

Just like the day before, a white envelope and a too much excited dog were waiting for Nick to wake up. At first, when sleep was still travelling inside his system, Nick had totally believed that it had been a dream.

A wonderful, amazing and too beautiful dream to be true. Images and echoes of the day before flooded through him, trying to get his attention and bring him back to reliving that amazing and heavenly experience: decorating the tree, happiness and glee filling his veins and making him feel like he had been drunk, although no drops of alcohol had been shared or offered; the surprise when a knock had came from the door, resonating inside the room and anticipation stealing away the stage and becoming the only one star ready to act and play its part. And then... then Brian. That intimate hug they shared, that longing finally satisfied of feeling his body curled up against his, the lights reflecting and playing upon his face finally relaxed and, somehow, happier that it had ever been before.

A wonderful, amazing dream that Nick feared it hadn’t been real. Until he had opened his eyes and saw that, on the contrary, it had been an unbelievable truth. Surprise shook him awake, pushing his fingers to scratch Nacho behind the ears and then picking the envelope up. What could Brian possibly have in mind this time? Nick’s knowledge of Christmas’s traditions was seriously too small to come up with a list long enough to reach five days, let alone twelve. But it was Brian and the man had always proven to be unpredictable when it came down to those kinds of things.

So, with anticipation, Nick started to read carefully that second letter.

 

_Second day._

_Are you excited? Curious? Already tired? Already “Oh God, why did I have signed up for this torture?”? I should have told you that you are free to stop this any time you want. I don’t want to force you into something that you don’t like, although it’s gonna break my heart and then I’ll probably have another operation... you know that exists a “broken heart syndrome”, which is a type of cardiomypathy that can lead to heart failure? Okay, I realize that this isn’t properly Christmasish so forget what I’ve just said...except the part where you can stop this whenever you want. I was serious. I’m serious._

_So. Second day._

_After lights and decorations, there is just another thing that makes Christmas. No, it’s not the gifts, so hold your horses until after half of this crazy adventure. This thing, this other thing, is snow. It makes sense since we always assumed that Santa Claus lives in North Pole, where there is white and ice basically everywhere you look._

_Snow is magic, even and maybe for its simplicity: when you think about it, snow is just water. Nothing but simple and plain water: the same water that pours down under the form of rain and storm; the same water that, sometimes, comes down as that misty rain that doesn’t require an umbrella but it still manages to get you wet and curls your hair. (if you still have hair that curls. Mine have long abandoned that ship...)_

Oh, Nick missed Brian’s curls, he had spent so many moments, so many times and minutes, longing for reaching a hand and play with them, his fingertips brushing slightly the skin of the neck and wondering if a shiver would be born and where it would go: would it make Brian’s body shudder or would it just travel along the spine, disappearing under the so many layers of clothes the man always wore?

_But snow is magic because it needs particular conditions to happen: the temperature has to be just perfect, not too cold or we would have plain ice (and do you imagine how many people could get hurt if it by an iced snowflake?) and not too hot otherwise… just rain. Nothing fancy.. Nothing magical. No, snow needs the perfect temperature and you can see it, you can feel it when it is going to happen: the sky turns into a special shade of grey, so much brighter than normal and you can’t understand how it is possible since there is no sun out; a strange smell starts to fill the air, something that you can’t quite describe but you can recognize as soon as you start to feel it. The smell of snow. The smell of something so magical that it is bound to happen. Everything is silent, as if they are preparing themselves to be buried under layers and layers of thick and soft snow._

_And when it snows... oh, it’s just so wonderful!_

_And, Nick, when you think about it, snow does sound like love. Because love, just like snow, turns everything around and makes the world a way better and more beautiful place. You can predict it, you can try to plan it but, like snow, love always takes you by surprise._

_And it’s magic._

_I know that I’m not a magician and I can’t make snow out of the blue. So, when you’ll go downstairs, you won’t find real snow. But I wanted to give you something that could be like that._

_Something magical. And, I hope, something that can totally surprise you._

_Yours  
Brian_

Nick didn’t waste any time and, after grabbing and putting up the first shirt he found lying on the floor – maybe it wasn’t a clean one but he still didn’t know how the laundry worked – he was already descending the stairs. And promptly stopped halfway, just when the stairs did a turn and gave a first glimpse on the living room. Or the winter wonderland that had decided to drop by his house and decided that it was, after all, the best place in the whole world to stay for a little while.

Snowflakes were everywhere. Not real snowflakes but that was beyond the point because Nick knew, after all, that Brian couldn’t really bring out real snow from whatever hat he was using for that crazy, absolutely crazy, idea. But it didn’t matter. How could it matter when Brian had managed to put snow all over the floor as if it was an endless outdoor space, just like some of those fields he had always watched in those movies where it seems to be always snowing? How could it matter when snowflakes, a little bit bigger than normal and really, really shining and glittering, were hanging happily from the ceiling?

Oh, surprised he was! More than surprised. Shocked. In awe because no one had ever done something like that for him. And Nick wasn’t even sure that someone had done something like that even in those cheeky movies that everyone secretly loved.

It made him feel special.

And so, so much loved.

“Holy shit.”

The tree, his Christmas tree that had been decorated for not even a day, looked so much more beautiful and dashing now that he was surrounded by so much white: its lights reflected themselves, sending red, yellow, blue and green beams all over the place and making it looking like a natural disco room. It was oh so all over the place but, at the same time, everything looked so bright and so shiny that Nick couldn’t help but grinning like an idiot.

Before Nick could even start wondering what he was supposed to do – building an imaginary snowman? Starting a snow fight against Nacho who, for not knowing if it was real or not, was already picking one up and chewing as if it was a strange and unusual treat? – something caught his attention and gaze: upon the fireplace, between a thread of lights that decorated a Santa Claus that hadn’t been there the day before, there was another envelope, this time a little bit smaller than usual.

 

_You really thought that I would be the only one doing all the work? Nicky Nicky..._

A soft laugh escaped Nick’s lips as he imagined Brian speaking those words, using that nickname that it had always been his and no one else’s: he could picture Brian’s face, the way his lips would curl to pronounce those letters and that slightly scolding expression because of something that he had said or done, although not that particular serious.

_The second part of the second day (I do love these repetitions, you know?) is a tradition, back to the old days when this old man was just a child. Even back then, I loved Christmas more than anyone else and I couldn’t wait for the moment when the first snowflakes would start to dance their way from the sky; sometimes it really didn’t snow and, yet, it wouldn’t take away a bit of what you are going to do now._

_And it’s very simple._

_As you can see, there is a white paper included in this envelope. All you have to do is take a pen and write to a very old had happy man that lives in North Pole and that has a long white beard. I know what you might say “Brian, I’m too old for this things!”, a pout on your face just like when you felt like we were treating you as a little child instead than a coworker. But see, Nick, the thing is that you are never, ever, too old for those kind of things. And the best and most beautiful thing is that you don’t have to ask for a thousand of gifts, objects that we can buy every day since we’ve worked our butts’ off for the money; just listen to your heart and ask for that thing that you want, desire and love most. Ask for that thing that you think it’s so hard, difficult or even impossible to get. (Of course you can’t ask peace for the world, it’s Santa Claus not God!)_

_When you have finished (and, mind you, you have to sit down on the snow covered floor while you’re writing, otherwise I’ve done so much work for nothing), follow the snowflakes ‘till you arrive to the kitchen. Old tradition meets a new one, where I will teach you how to make the perfect and best eggnog ever._

_Yours,  
Brian _

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

Almost an hour later found Nick finally finishing writing the letter. It hadn’t been a simple task as he had imagined, mostly because he didn’t want to appear stupid or, Lord forbid him, a stupid little child who still believed in fairytales and such. He knew that Brian was going to read it and a part of him wanted to show him how much he had grown up, how much he wasn’t anymore that spoiled brat that hadn’t realized how many good things he had already in his life.

Only one thing was missing and he knew that Brian, of all of people, would understand his words so Nick simply sat down and started writing. He didn’t even read it once, to check for mistakes or if he had sounds ridiculous; he just folded in two and then headed towards the kitchen where he could distinctly hear the sounds of someone running around as if he did know where all the things were.

The kitchen had been brought to life, with the counters filled with half used aliments and all the necessary to prepare the ultimate, as Brian had said in his letter, and best eggnog for Christmas.

Who was Nick to put a stop on that?

More importantly, Nick didn’t want to stop Brian because it would mean to have him gone from his house, which now was finally filled with sounds and voices that didn’t belong to a television show or to the notes of the radio. So, for just a bunch of seconds, Nick just stood on the threshold, his arms crossed and the right shoulder leaning against the wooden frame of the door, watching the figure of Brian moving around his kitchen as if the other man had always belonged there. Which kinda did, albeit it had always been an imaginary Brian belonging to an imaginary kitchen of an imaginary home. _Their_ imaginary home.

The orange light of the afternoon had made its way through the soft and white curtain, blown up by the wind that smelled of ocean and sand, and had found its favorite spot to land upon Brian’s lean figure: it seemed like a scene from a movie, where the main character would spend time doing something so simple and domestic as cooking just to prove that he was like any other normal person, but doing it as if he was a chef. And yet there was something magnetic in that scene, something that drawn Nick and didn’t let him tear away his eyes from it: maybe it was the way Brian’s hands worked skillfully while doing whatever he was doing with the eggs and the sugar, that concentrated look on his face that he always wore when Brian wanted something to turn out perfectly and that was basically everything. Or, maybe, it was the way the fading sunlight landed perfectly upon his features, as if it couldn’t stop itself from caressing the back of the head, those last hairs that wanted so badly to curl again as if they were sleepily cats lying under the warmth of a summer day.

Nick wanted to do the same. Nick wanted to be closer, stand next to Brian and just place his hand on that small spot on his back, that dip that curved the spine and protect a bundle of nerves able to make muscles and bones tremble and shiver under his touch; Nick wanted nothing more than lean over Brian, studying what he was doing so carefully and so concentrated, and following every and each of his moves and inhaling that perfume that was only Brian’s.

Nick wanted to do it but, at the same time, he didn’t dare to: it was an uncertain territory, a road where you didn’t know if there were bombs hidden and ready to go off as soon as you made a wrong move; it was all hanging by a thin and frail rope, years of a friendship that could turn into something beautiful if both of them would walk in the same direction. And that was where Nick was still a little unsure: what Brian had planned, the way he acted and moved around him, spoke of a sentiment that Nick shared and had felt for so many years. But what if? What if Nick was just fooling himself? What if he was just reading those traces all totally wrong, only because he wanted so badly that the dream of a love could come true?

At least, Nick told himself, he would try to taste the waters. He would go along with the plan, letting Brian lead the way and see where they would end up: any way it would end, Nick was going to come out as a winner, whether he was going to gain someone to love or the luck to gain back someone so damn important in his life.

Nick cleared his voice, trying to get Brian’s attention but without startling him. A smile replied back, a new and different light brightened up the eyes that, with the disappearing of the sun, were losing their blue shade and settling for a much quieter and lucid grey.

“You finished with the letter?” Brian asked, stopping himself from whatever he was doing and cleaning his hands with a towel he left on the counter next to him.

“You didn’t say where I’m supposed to leave it. – Nick replied with a nod of the head, lips curved into a tiny smile. – Or who.”

“Well, you’re lucky. – Brian replied in a small laughter. – I happen to be Santa Claus’s favorite elf.”

Nick couldn’t hold back that tickling inside his throat, bubbles of a playfulness that had been long forgotten because, lately, they had all been too worried and hurt to joke so lightly. “I’m not surprised, you know?”

“Well, Nickholas, you won’t ever be an elf. You’re too tall.”

“And that’s how you crush my biggest dream. Cruel, Brian. You’re cruel.” Nick’s tone lingered between the hurt and the laugh, his index finger pointed towards Brian’s chest in an attempt of being serious and hoping of a slight and unnoticed caress.

“Someone has to. It’s a hard and difficult task.” Brian replied with a solemn tone.

“I bet. Now I don’t know what to do with my life.”

“Well, Nick... – Brian’s voice trailed off, the tip of his index finger tapping slowly and deliberately against his lips. He tilted his head to one side, as if he had to ponder really carefully and seriously about his next words. But, unconsciously or not, Brian had Nick hanging to his words. Like it had always happened in the past. Like, Nick thought, it should always be. -... Maybe I can put a good work with the boss and let you have another important job.”

“Really?” Nick asked as he walked closer and closer to Brian, erasing the distance made of tiles and useless centimeters.

Something changed in the air. Something sparked in the air, in that small bubble that had emerged suddenly and that had enveloped the two figures, leaving behind traces of electricity that travelled up the arms and the nerves. Brian felt that change, a little surprised about the way Nick was acting and, at the same time, hope and belief bubbling and becoming bigger and bigger inside his heart: there was a line of tenderness softening Nick’s features, a light that Brian had rarely seen on the friend’s face because life had always managed to steal away any love or happiness from him. In that kitchen, barely used and now silently singing while coming alive, Nick looked happy. And a pang of pride blossomed inside Brian, that familiar sensation of knowing that those eyes were shining because of him.

And that was what loving somebody meant to him. That was what loving Nick meant to him: making him happy; showing him that life could be wonderful and amazing, if you had the luck to spend and share it with someone else. Someone who treasured and loved you like no one had ever, or would ever do.

“I’ve been told that Rudolph is ready to retire so you can be a reindeer. Aren’t you happy?”

For a moment Nick didn’t say anything. For a moment Nick just stared into Brian’s face, fighting the urge and the desire to lean down and plant a kiss on those lips that were so failing in hiding laughter and smiles. Oh, he wanted so bad to kiss him! He wanted so bad to taste those inches of red skin to see if they had taken the smell of sugar and eggs, or vanilla or whatever ingredients Brian had been using until that moment. And truth was that Nick had wanted to kiss those lips for as long as he could remember, for as long as he had tried to drink away that desire that shouldn’t had been directed towards his best friend.

But that wasn’t the moment. Oh, it could totally turn out to be a perfect first kiss, drew and filled with the magic that came only with the domesticity and the tranquility of that normal scene. That wasn’t the moment because something, some words, still need and ought to be said and spoken.

So, Nick didn’t say anything but let that laughter, trapped inside his throat, fly out from his lips and vanish into the air, followed shortly by Brian’s echoes. It was refreshing. It was such a relief, for both of them, to find that their chemistry was still there, had always been there even when it had been buried under lies and drugs, distance and coldness.

“Do I look like a reindeer?” Nick asked, grinning as big as he could.

“Do I have to remind you about that time you were basically orange? From orange to brown...”

“Brian Thomas Littrell, are you making fun of me?” Nick demanded, his hands going on his hips and failing so bad in looking serious and offended.

“Nope? – Brian replied sheepishly, his attempts to hide the humor in his voice disappearing into a fist of giggles. To change the subject, he handed Nick a glass of eggnog. – Here. Taste it very carefully because you’re gonna try to replicate it.”

It was good. The eggnog. Strangely, Nick couldn’t taste any traces of alcohol in it. It wasn’t like he couldn’t drink anymore, albeit a lot of people still tend to confuse or simplify being sober as not touching any drops of alcohol. It didn’t work like that, there were shades and layers of different problems and reasons behind that addiction and that, precisely in that turning point, lay the difference between a simple and normal drinking between friends and turning a drink into a way to run away from problems and fears. Still, the gentle and dedicated thought behind that gesture managed to add another reason, another point to how it was useless resisting into falling, over and over, in love with Brian.

“You’re gonna help me, right?”

“I left you the recipe.”

“But... that doesn’t count as a help! – Nick exclaimed in horror. – You know that I suck at following the instructions.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re gonna be fine.”

“I need help, Bri!”

“No, you don’t. – Brian assured, thrusting into Nick’s hand the pages filled with his own calligraphy. – You need to do it on your own.”

“And what are you going to do in the meantime?” Nick asked, mindlessly playing with a fork he had found on the counter.

“Well, I’m gonna sit over there… – Brian’s index finger pointed at one of the chairs that were waiting endlessly in front of the counter. –… and I’m gonna read your letter.”

“Oh.” Nick commented, his lips forming the shape of an o and the feeling of his cheeks slowly turning a faint shade of red. He had thought that was going to be the case, with Brian reading the letter in hope to make his wish coming true, but he couldn’t shake away that feeling of slight embarrassment. What if Brian thought that his words were just childish and stupid? After all, Nick had never been good with words and Brian knew that.

Brian’s smile grew a little bit warmer, lost and gone were any signs of jokes and making fun of. “Don’t worry. I’ll be as professional as I can be. After all, I’m Santa Claus’s most trusted elf.” And, said that, Brian took his place on the farthest chair and started reading Nick’s messy but unmistakable handwriting.

 

_Dear Santa Claus,_

_I’ve never really believed in you actually. But Brian is so firm and determinate saying that you’re true and he’s always right, which always makes me mad because how can he be right all the time? Has he got some sort of books full of truths that he can read every time he needs?_

_So, since Brian says that you really exists, I’m writing you this letter. Especially because he asks me to write it and I really couldn’t say no. (Bri, I know you’re gonna be the one reading this, though. Just don’t make fun of me afterwards, please?)_

A soft chuckle flow away from Brian’s lips, breaking that silence that had fallen while both guys had been immersed within their works. But Nick didn’t raise his head up, so concentrated on the task he had been given and that it was already turning out to be much more complicated than he had thought.

_I’m a lucky guy, after all. I have already everything that anyone can ask for: a work that I love; money so I can buy and make my dreams come true; a second chance to be finally happy and healthy. And, yet, there is just this one little, tiny thing that no amount of money can buy. I’ve come to believe that someone, some wicked witch (and I bet all my money that I’ve dated them, though I can hardly remember names or faces), has put a curse on me and I’ll probably be destined not to find love._

_Love. Yes, that’s the one thing that I really want. The one thing that I’m asking you, although it might seems a little strange and weird because how can a man, dressed in red and white, be able to bring him something that it’s not physical. You can’t actually wrap love into a gift, can you? And yet I’m still hoping that you can._

_Love._

_I should be too much old for whining and complaining like a teenage girl, whose friends but her are happily in love. But it’s so much true: everyone I know is happily married, one or two kids to brighten up their lives and no more worrying or wondering if there is something wrong with them. I’m the only one left, never having known what true love is. Means. Tastes. Feels._

_Love._

_That’s the only one thing that I truly want and that I truly long to. That kind of love every story, every famous book or tale have narrated for century and century, able to consume the mind of great men and cause all sorts of wars; that kind of love I’ve sang for almost twenty-two years, albeit not never knowing what I was really singing about; that kind of love you would move mountains for, daring to face every obstacles just to make that somebody happy or just so that he would never get hurt by anything or anyone._

_But I don’t want just this love._

_I want the normal love. The everyday love. The one that settles down in complicity and domesticity, with still sparks of passion and just being content and happy to have someone who can you share your life with. The waking up; the breakfasts and dinners together; the going doing groceries, yelling at me because I still don’t know how to chose the right food; the Sundays spent watching football together and then going out for a walk and for an ice cream on the beach. The nights spent on the couch, reading or watching television. The romance. The fights and the make up parts. And I might add something else but you’re Santa Claus and I want to make you believe that I’m not that naughty as one can think. (But I bet, Brian, that you have already guessed. )_

_So there it is. The only one thing that I want for Christmas. Love and being loved. Take care and being taken care of. Support and being supported. A family that I can call my own, that no one will ever be able to take away from me._

_That’s it._

_Just love._

When Brian finished reading Nick’s letter, all he could do was just staying silent and looking at the man who was still having a row with the eggnog’s recipe. It was almost evening, the dawn’s colors were almost changing the light into various shades of blue; he hadn’t noticed, too busy getting inside Nick’s mind, when the other man had gone and turned on the bright and white lights of the kitchen. The room wasn’t immaculate anymore and gone was that sense and air of something too beautiful and good to be used: not that room looked like someone was actually living there, the smell and the aroma of the eggnog was starting to make it cozier and familiar.

Brian wondered if this was the future would look like for them. _If_ a they was still and already a possibility and not just something that was too much to ask for, something he had dreamed about and was trying to force to come alive.

No, a small voice replied from within. It couldn’t be just his imagination or just a wishful thinking. It couldn’t be, especially after reading that letter.

Brian’s gaze travelled upon the blonde figure, stealing away some minutes and some moments to just lingering upon that face that had been part of his life since... well, sometimes it felt like forever, like a part of him had always knew those blue eyes, those blonde hair that more than often had been styled in some crazy and ridiculous ways. That face didn’t belong anymore to a child, or to a boy who had to discover the world on his own while facing and fighting monsters that weren’t just part of the everyday growing up; that face now belonged to a man, a mature man that had finally found his way in the world and wasn’t afraid anymore to show the lines and the scars that his travel and past had left on his skin. That face belonged to the Nick Brian had always known existed, somewhere under the layers and layers of masks and fears, of words that had wanted to shape him into someone he wasn’t and couldn’t be. That face belonged to a name that had been carved upon his heart years and years before, decades and decades before, when he had been just five years old that had been granted to live on because someone needed him.

Because Nick needed him.

He folded the letter, Nick’s letter, as carefully as possible. Brian didn’t want to ruin it, for this belonged to a very special box full of memories and special treasures. Silently, he walked over Nick, who was just now filing the glasses with something that didn’t quite resemble an eggnog.

Or something edible and drinkable.

“I wouldn’t dare to try it, Brian. Something went definitely wrong in that recipe.” Nick admitted, an embarrassing shade of red painting his cheeks.

“It’s okay. – Brian replied, taking the two glasses and throwing their contents down the kitchen sink. – We can try to do it again.”

“We?” Nick asked, eyebrow rose.

“Yes, we. You and me because I’m going to teach you how to make an eggnog without making a mess.”

And a mess the counter was, with spurts of egg all over the surface and sugar that had left a trail for ants to follow and start a new village inside Nick’s kitchen.

“Sorry?” Nick said sheepishly.

Brian didn’t reply immediately. There was just a small distance between him and Nick, the space sufficient to be close to each other without brushing or bumping into each other; the space sufficient for gazing into each other’s eyes and see the reaction first hand, without having to guess or to doubt if their sight was playing a game with their mind.

“You know, I believe that your wish will be coming true this year.”

In a move that he didn’t quite expected, not so soon yet, Brian got on his tiptoes and just left a butterfly kiss on Nick’s cheek. Just a brush. Just a soft caress of lips, a touch that lingered on his skin even after those lips had disappeared.

“I believe it too.” Nick whispered back, his fingertips leaning over that spot on his cheek that still burned from Brian’s touch. He really believed it. Not in Santa, not in elf and all the magical creatures that lived inside the Christmas fairytale.

Nick believed in something else. In someone else. Nick believed, had always believed, in Brian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait! Christmas and the holiday had kind got in the way, with all the ccoking for the family and feeling totally exhausted after! But here is a long chapter so... =)  
> Thanks for all the beautiful people who left kudos and comments. *_*


	3. Third Day: I wish I have a river I could skate on

_ Third Day: I wish I have a river I could skate on _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The morning had already started to stretch its endless arms when the two figures met in front of Nick’s front door, the sun following their steps and drawing their shadows upon the bright colors of a day that was already taking the shape of something that belonged to a painting or a postcard. A warm breeze was coming up from the nearby shore, blowing small breaths that smelled like flowers, sand and the aroma of fresh – brewed coffee. It was such a sharp contrast with what Brian had planned for the day, an idea whose keyword was ice and involved the use of gloves and scarves, but something told him that Nick wasn’t going to mind.

At least, he hoped.

“Thanks for the help, Kev.”

“It’s nothing.”

“I really appreciate it. I know I could have asked to a professional but it makes more sense if he’s taught by someone he knows. Someone who is like family.” Nerves made Brian biting on his lips, a trail of doubts slowly lining up inside his brain.

“Bri, you do know that you didn’t have to do all of this? The idea is amazing, I can concede you this. More than amazing, actually. – It was romantic, it was something that could be the plotline for a movie or for a book and that could be able to steal away so many hearts. It was so Brian, something so thoughtful and specially planned around the person he loved the most. But Nick already knew that and it was impossible that Brian didn’t know that Nick already loved him the most. – But if it’s just a way to court Nick… you don’t have to do it. Nick’s already in love with you. He’s been in love with you since forever.”

It hadn’t been easy to observe, just observe, that dance between Brian and Nick: sometimes the moves had brought them closer, so close that everyone around them had held their breaths in anticipation, waiting for that last small step that would make them cross the line and finally become one being; sometimes that same rhythm had played the most horrible trick and had forced them to take a step back, and another one, and another one until they had been so distant that it had been impossible to imagine a future together. And, after and against everything, that couple had managed to find its way back, circling and circling around each other as if, after so many years and with so many scars, both of them had been almost scared to try once again.

“So everyone keeps saying...” Brian murmured, his gaze lowered to the floor as he kicked some small rocks with the tip of his shoes.

“But?” Kevin interjected, not bothered at all by the “ _I don’t really want to talk about it”_ air that surrounded the smaller man.

“Nothing.”

“But?” Kevin pressed on, pushing the cousin out of that shell that had always seemed so impenetrable. But, maybe, that had been because no one had ever dared to see, to try and find what was behind that _“I’m okay. It’s nothing.”_ that had been Brian’s password for every question.

Brian sighed loudly, an invisible bubble of frustration because he couldn’t run away anymore, because no one didn’t allow him anymore to use his smile and force back all the fears and doubts hanging around like a toxic cloud. A part of him was relieved because hiding had been what had brought him through one of the hardest difficulty of his life, and he didn’t want to hide anymore; but, at the same time, another part of him was still trapped within that web of stubbornness and desire to always appear held together and strong. And that had been a fight that had left him so exhausted, so out of energies that there was no point anymore on trying or keep it alive. And Brian needed the reassurance, the affirmation that it all hadn’t been inside his mind, that he hadn’t played himself reading signs that, in the end and in the painful truth, meant something very different from what he thought.

“I just... how can you be so sure? How can I be sure?” Brian rose up his face, blue eyes meeting green ones. There was so much uncertainty, so much fragility and that was something new. Or maybe it was just that new Brian that everyone was still trying to come to terms with.

“You can’t. It’s love. That’s why it’s such an adventure. And why it is scaring. Didn’t you believe it too?”

“Yes, when I was young and I had all the chances in this world to make it happen. But… - Brian turned his face, a distant and sad look tainting the blue with a shade of grey. - … I’m not that Brian anymore. And Nick isn’t that Nick anymore. Everyone keeps hanging on to something that it’s in the past. Everyone is so keen that it is still like in the past when it’s not. We changed. And maybe even those feelings, Nick’s feelings, changed. That’s why I can’t lose this chance, Kevin. I can’t. It’s my last chance to prove that I love him with every fiber in my body, with every breath that I take and with each beats of this old and broken heart.”

“There is no such a thing as a last chance when it comes to love. If this one doesn’t work out, you’re just gonna have another one. And another one. And so on until your last chance does arrive. And you know what I mean.”

Brian’s forehead was all scrunched up with lines of confusion and deep thinking as his mind replayed those words over and over again. Kevin’s speech did sound as something that it might be true, though it was hard to relate it to real world and real situations: what if Nick turned him down over and over again? What if they would end up going around and chasing each other’s trails but never be able to catch up? Was he willing to spend all his life trying to prove something that couldn’t be measured?

“I… I just want to make sure that he knows, without doubts or second thought or ifs. I hurt him in the past, I’ve lost his trust and I made so many mistakes that it’s a miracle, literally, that Nick still wants to have something to do with me. That’s why I can’t let him to be unsure about me. Or my feelings. Not anymore. I want him to be sure that I’m not gonna run away, turn around and forget about him as soon as the world tells me that it’s what I’m supposed to do; I wanna make things right, the way I should have done so many years ago.”

Kevin didn’t answer or comment immediately. He quietly walked over and sat down next to Brian, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder while his hands were torturing what appeared to be a copy of the next letter to Nick. “Stop beating yourself up for what happened in the past.”

“I’m trying.”

“Nick loves you. He’s been in love with you since forever and that’s something that everyone is able to see, even now.”

“I really want to believe it, you know? - Brian confessed in a small voice, so soft that Kevin wouldn’t be able to hear if he wasn’t that close. – I know it might sound stupid but I wanna, no, I need to be sure that I have done everything in my power to prove myself. And I guess I need to see what you guys keep telling me. That he loves me. That he wants this as much as I do. That he wants me for who I am now, with all my flaws and weakness and problems. I need to know that he’s gonna be there too.”

There were so many things that Kevin wanted to say to his cousin, words that could wipe away all of those fears and doubts that had always been like a weight on his shoulders, a weight that had already managed to crush his voice. Underneath that need to be always perfect, to be always the best he could be, Brian wasn’t that different from Nick, a soul filled with so many doubts about himself and his worth: no one had ever been able to see that part of him, not until those cracks had started to show themselves for everyone to see. And that had unsettled Brian, shattering the last remains of a confidence that had always been something to be jealous of, something that most people around him envied and, sometimes, got annoyed and frustrated. That plan wasn’t just a journey to make sure that Nick’s heart belonged to him as everyone kept saying; that plan was also a journey for Brian to finally realize that he could be loved despite all his flaws and all the mistakes he had done in the past.  

“So… - He just said, smiling when he was faced back with a confusion stare because there wasn’t going to be another speech or another _“just believe that everything will be alright”._ \- … how many times can Nick fall over before I can spare him?”

Brian didn’t expect that question. He had expected another speech about how they, he and Nick, were meant to be, though that didn’t mean that there wouldn’t be problems or rough spot in their relationship, friendship or love or both. So, took by surprise, he could do just one thing: laughing. 

 

 

*********

 

 

Nick didn’t wait for Nacho to come up to his room with the white envelope. Truth to be told, he hadn’t been able to sleep at all, his mind going over about what Brian could have in store for him that day or revisiting everything that had happened the day before.

That small kiss.

Brian’s lips on his cheek, that still seemed to burn with faint echoes of that caress; his hand went and covered that spot, fingertips brushing the skin as if they could trace again that sensation, recreate it even if it lacked of what, or better saying who, had brought it alive. It was so tempting to just put a stop to that chasing game, a court that smelled and tasted of something gold and old, ancient and romantic: Nick loved it, how could he not when it was basically everything he had ever dreamed and desired? He was Brian’s centre of attention, the receiving end of attentions and affections, dedication and devotion and it was oh so hard to step away from it. But it was an universal truth that patient wasn’t one of his particular trait: it was the total opposite, hence why he couldn’t focus on a project more than a few months, so eager to get other’s reaction and approval of what he always thought it was his best work ever. And now his impatience was raising its head, trying to escape from those chains and reins and run free, desiring no more than finally touch and have what Nick had always dreamed, wished and prayed for.

He could stop it, even Brian had said that he could do it. Nick could stop that madness, take the smaller man in his arms and finally kiss him, finally taste and study him so he would never forget every inch of his body and soul. He could stop it because it was about time that the two of them would stop chasing each other as if they were satellites; he wanted to stop it because he didn’t want to waste any more second, any more fragment of space and air to breath and just be with Brian. But then images of the past days always came up in front of his eyes, Brian’s smile lightening up the rooms while laughing, decorating, singing and flirting with him and Nick knew that he couldn’t just stop that circus. It made Brian happy and, by proximity, Nick was much happier and lighter than he had ever been.

And that was why, when sun rays started to make the room warmer and swimming into a golden atmosphere, Nick kicked off the covers and changed at the speed of light. A quick glance at the mirror and then he was already downstairs, curios eyes that looked everywhere to spot that white envelope that would make his heart beating a little faster, thrumming with a song he had never been able to understand notes or words.

Yet the letter wasn’t anywhere. Nick checked every small corner, even went out and searched for it inside Nacho’s house but nothing. It was almost like Brian had forgotten about it but that couldn’t really happen. No, Brian couldn’t deceive him like that, making him excited about the whole twelve things, about what that adventure could mean for the two of them and then disappear into thin air, without even a warning.

Without apologizing.

Nick shook his head as he headed back home, closing the door behind him and trying to think where Brian could have possible hide the third letter. Maybe he wanted to be creative, maybe he had raised the bar because Brian never liked challenges that were too simple. There could be thousand reasons for that and Nick was damn sure about not going back and listen to that stupid and vicious voice that wanted him to believe that nothing had changed. And that Brian hadn’t changed, their entire relationship hadn’t changed no matter how much Nick had wanted it to.

Before his mind could go back to that dangerous and dark place, someone knocked at the door. It couldn’t be Nachos, unless Brian had succeed into teaching the dog how to do it with its paws but, maybe… maybe it could be Brian himself, delivering his next mission. It was with that thought that Nick leaped to the door, opening as quickly as possible, eager to see Brian’s smile and…

… realized that the man in front of him, standing on his doorstep, wasn’t Brian. It couldn’t be Brian since the man was way taller, almost as tall as Nick was, and had the wrong colors of hair and eyes.

“Hi Kevin.”

“You seem disappointed to see me. What a great welcome!”

“I was expecting… well, not you.”

“And happy Christmas to you too!” Kevin exclaimed as, without even asking, he walked inside the house and took off his coat, placing it on the chair resting against the wall.

“I guess you’re here for a reason.” Nick asked as he closed the door behind his back.

“Maybe. – Kevin replied grinning as he stood in front of Nick’s Christmas tree. – Wow. That’s seriously one of strangest tree I’d ever seen.”

“Well… - Nick replied sheepishly, a hand scratching his hair while looking at his Christmas tree. Well, _their_ Christmas tree since Nick couldn’t help but feeling like it belonged to Brian as well. - … I had help.”

“And now you’ve got mail too.” Kevin replied, taking out a white envelope and handing it over to Nick.

If Nick had been alone, he probably would have started jumping around, holding that white sheet close to his chest and, probably, he would have smelled the surface to see if it smelled like Brian. But he couldn’t do it with an audience present, especially if that audience was Kevin. Kevin and his terrifying eyebrows that could kill, of that Nick was hundred percent sure.

Even Brian was, if Nick remembered that conversation they had so many years before correctly.

So Nick just took that envelope, trying not to let show how much enthusiastic he was, how much he was mentally kicking himself for having doubting Brian, even if it had been for just a second. Half of a second. A blink of a second.

“Thanks Kev. You didn’t read it, right?”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “I’m not you, Nick. I actually know how to restrain my curiosity.”

“So you’re curious.”

“All of us are curious.”

“Really?”

“Read. We’ll talk about it later. If we are late, I’m sure Brian is going to kill me.”

And so Nick did it. So Nick went to sit down on the couch and, very carefully and with an attention that Kevin had only seen when it came to his videogames and computer stuff, opened the envelope.

_Third day._

_“I wish I had a river I could skate on.”_

_It’s not your typical Christmas carol, I know. But when have I ever been typical either?_

_Third day, wow. I feared you would already be tired by now, especially since you aren’t known for your patience. So, Nick, congratulations for having made it so far. And no, you’re not getting a mention or a medal for this. Maybe, if you manage to make it through half of the days I can think about it... but maybe! I’m not promising it. Maybe._

_It’s not that difficult to get what the third task is. I’ve pretty much given it away with that simple, very simple but so beautiful lyric. Although you should know that I haven’t actually gone and found a river so you could skate on. I’m not that crazy!_

A laughter escaped Nick’s lips, causing Kevin’s eyebrows to raise up and frown with confusion; Nick shook his head, though it wasn’t quite clear if he was dismissing the silent and implied question from the friend or the blatant lie written by Brian. There was an universal known truth, which was that Brian would do anything for the people he loved most, even trying the impossible and even beyond that; it didn’t matter if it would make him look like an idiot; or if it was something so ridicule that everyone would make fun of him for days and days, cracking up jokes and believing that he was whipped: Brian just didn’t care, didn’t and wouldn’t give a damn about his reputation if that thing was going to make his loved one happy. Nick had been one of those people, the first to laugh and joke but what he had never admitted to anyone, only to himself, was that his reaction came from envy.

Jealousy.

Nick had been so damn jealous of Leighanne because she had everything. She had Brian, perfectly wrapped around her fingers, ready to trade the whole universe just to make sure it followed her like a satellite, just to make sure she was the only and brightest star in his own world. She was loved by Brian and that, well, now Nick could admit that it had been the reason why he had tried so hard to hate her. Or to hate him which, of course, proved to be something so damn impossible to think, let alone trying to practice.

But now... now the cards on the table were turned, the wind was blowing in Nick’s favor and he would be damned if he let that opportunity slip away from his fingers. 

_How many times had we wanted to go away? Escape, running away from being too much stressed and from something that it was too big, too loud to stand sometimes? Yet, we were different. The reasons, the motivation for running away were different because we, me and the boys, wanted to leave the job and go back to our home, to our families and to those people we knew didn’t care about us being famous or not because they loved us._

_You didn’t. For you it was the opposite. You loved being away from your house, a place that had never been a home because no one had ever made you feel like it was. You loved being away from your so-called family, that group of people that was supposed to love you for who you were, not for the money you could bring._

_I guess this is me, apologizing for making you feel like I’ve abandoned you, like I didn’t care what would might happened to you during our breaks. I cared, you know? I cared, maybe, too much but... I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to make you see, how to protect you more than I already did._

_I guess  that’s  my way to make it up to you._

Surprise filled Nick’s brain, leaving a trail of something that he wasn’t quite sure how to describe it. Or identify at all. Things... well, things between him and Brian had been rough for some quite time, to the point that Nick had been seriously convinced that it was the end of one of the best and greatest friendship he had ever had and would never have again, for they were something so rare that you couldn’t found more than one in your life. He had blamed the older, of course. He had blamed him for their downfall, for that abandonment that had felt more like a betrayal. The worst kind of betrayal because it had happened when Nick had needed Brian the most, because Brian’s leaving him behind had been the last drop in a vase that was already showing signs of being cracked.

It had taken them years, almost a decade, to finally soothe the differences. It had taken Nick years to understand, to realize, that he needed the other guy in his life more than he had ever needed someone else because, somehow, Brian had become a sort of guiding star, a light that Nick had to follow if he wanted to stand away from the darkness in his life. 

But somehow it felt good to read that apology. Somehow a part of him, that part of his soul that still wore an unhealed scar, was soaring up within those words.

_People think and believe that the reason why I don’t talk much about when I was five is because I don’t remember, that somehow my mind has blocked all those memories because it was too much for a kid. But you know me, Nick. You know that I remember everything, even though I wish so much I could forget things or words being said. I remember that year and, especially, I can’t forget how people used to treat me: I was the frail kid, the small child that had somehow managed to survive. Barely survived. So everyone was so set about protecting me, closing me under a glass so nothing could hurt me ever again._

_That year, that Christmas, dad was supposed to teach me how to skate. But skating was dangerous, that was what mom kept saying every time I’d begged dad to take me to the ice rink, which was an iced lake not too far from our house. “You can catch a cold. You can fall and hurt yourself” and so on and on. I was so frustrated. It wasn’t fair because all I wanted, all I kept asking was to be treated as Harry or Kevin or his brothers; it wasn’t fair because all I wanted was to be like a normal child. I felt normal, though we can object that I’ve never been normal to begin with._

_One morning, almost near to Christmas, dad woke me up and asked me to follow him. We got into the car and then he drove to the ice rink. We didn’t tell mom, of course, but that had been one of the best day we ever had. And when you’re older, when you’re wiser and, especially, when you’re a father yourself, you look back and you don’t feel the same emotions you felt when you were a kid. I know now why my parents acted that way, I almost did it when Baylee got sick and I was almost convinced that it had been my fault._

Those words fractured and lifted a veil that Nick had only ever sensed but never been able to look through and past it; it was the veil of a childhood that Brian had never talked about, an experience that no one had ever had the courage to ask about because they just assumed. They just believed his words, or better, his lack of words and memories. It was just a natural thing to do, right? If it wasn’t talked about, if words weren’t used to bring something alive, then it seemed like it had never happened. Especially when it was something so different, so opposite to what Brian had always managed and preferred to show the world: lights; colors.

Positivity, even during the darkest times.

And that... well, that had always been the main reason why Nick, why a dark satellite like his soul, had been attracted to that sun. And, ultimately, fallen in love with him.

_I know you’ve never had a relationship with your dad. I know you’ve never had a normal childhood and never did the things that all the children used to do. But sometimes life makes it up to you, sometimes life makes all the wrongs right in ways that you can’t possible see._

_You only realize years and years later, if you are lucky and wise._

_And you’ve been lucky, my dear friend, because life gifted you with the chance to meet four other people that, sometimes, have wore the mantel of a sort of father figure: sometimes they have taught you silly things, like how to open a checking account or how to shave (or not to, given the state sometimes you appeared to be); sometimes those lessons were more important, matters that sometimes you don’t stop and think about it but you just learn. You make them yours and you try your best to live it up._

_So, I might not be able to erase all the damage and sadness that came from your past but I can give you a new memory. A new experience._

_Or, at least, I can try._

_Yours,  
Brian_

Oh, they were so different. He and Brian. Both of them had to deal with heavy hands, cards that the fate had decided to throw at them, hoping that those obstacles would shape them and push them to look and find something better. Be someone better.

For so long Nick had thought that the fate had just plain hated him. Miserable was the only adjective he could use to describe his childhood, at least that part that hadn’t still muddled and intertwined with the other four’s: alone, invisible and not even able to be a perfect big brother for his siblings. Even when the group had started to reach fame, even when his days and hours were filled with voices of friendship and love, there had always been a void inside his soul, a black hole that kept draining all the colors and all the positive emotions, leaving him with the sensations that he was only a face. Something people could look and admire, but never wanted to get closer and love.

At that time Nick had never realized how lucky he had been, no matter what. At that time Nick hadn’t realized that those four people, brought into his life by chance, had never stopped teaching him lessons that, only now that he was wiser as Brian had written, he could physically touch and hold into his hands.

“So... – Nick interrupted the silence, raising up his eyes and meeting Kevin’s. – I guess you are here to teach me something, right?”

Kevin’s smile grew bigger, a slight flash of fun that was so unlikely. Or, better say that it was unlikely for people who hadn’t have the chance to be around the older one during those times when fans and cameras didn’t follow them around.

“You guess right. – Kevin replied. – Take your coat, scarf and gloves.”

“I guess we are going to an ice rink, right?” Nick asked full of curiosity while he dug into his closet to find the clothes Kevin had told him to wear.

“That was easy, Sherlock. – Kevin replied while both guys got out the house and got inside Kevin’s car. – I’m going to teach you how to skate. Or, well, in your case how not to fall too many times and hurt yourself.”

*********

 

 

 

“And that’s it.” Kevin exclaimed as he and Nick skated towards the bench.

“Wait. That’s all?” Nick replied sitting down. Finally. He had fun. And it had been nice and, surprisingly fun, doing something with the older man that had nothing to do with work, or with a lecture about how many things were wrong in his life or how he was wasting it. But sitting down, in that moment, felt like heaven especially because the bench wasn’t made of ice and his but was a little tired, and hurt, of falling on it over and over again.

“Yep. – Kevin answered, standing in front of the younger. With a grin. And those eyebrows mocking and probably laughing at him. – You’ve managed to fall less times that I thought. Congratulations.”

“Thanks?” Nick said confused, for he didn’t know if that was a compliment or whatever. Yet, as much as he loved staying on that bench, a part of him wanted to get up and go on the ice again, trying and trying so that he could surprise Brian.

“It’s a big accomplishment, Nick. Especially for one who had never tried before.”

“But… shouldn’t I be able to do more?”

“More?”

“Yes! I don’t know, skating as if I was a professional! Or doing all those crazy stuff that I’m sure Brian is perfectly capable to do without hurting himself!”

Kevin just laughed. He couldn’t help himself, especially because not even Brian was actually able to do those. “You do have a point but that’s something that you two will have to learn together. My task was just to teach you and then leave. Which I’m doing now.”

“Wait!” Nick called the older man back, just as he was about to turn around and skate towards to the other exit.

“I’m not going to teach you. No matter how much you beg. Or pout.”

“No, it’s not that. – Nick answered, though he did try pouting to see if he could win Kevin over. Unfortunately not. – I was wondering... well, there’s no easy way to say it. I was wondering why you aren’t giving me the “ _hurt my little cousin and you’re going to pay.”_ speech _._ ”

“Well, it’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?” It was a honest truth. No sugarcoating, no forgetting how many scars their past, Brian and Nick’s past, had brought along. And Nick appreciated that honesty, because not everything had been ruined because of Brian and still everything could be fixed.

And this time Nick was so damn set about making it right too.

“Any advice, then? Because… Kevin, I don’t want to screw this up. I can’t.”

Kevin skated back to where Nick was standing and sat down next to him. Both of them, both Brian and Nick, shared not only the same emotions and feelings but even the same fears and doubts. It should have been a surprise but, as a matter of fact, it wasn’t because that was what was supposed to happen when two people were the exact and complimentary half of the other. And that had been something that everyone had seen and known from the beginning. Except Brian and Nick.

“You know, Brian said those words too this morning.”

“How could he be unsure when… well, look at what he had planned! How can I compete with this? How can I show him that I care as much as he does?”

“It’s simple. Just love him.”

“As if I hadn’t thought of that already.” Nick replied in a frustrated and annoyed tone. He didn’t need to hear those things that he already knew. He needed plans, practical things and gestures that wouldn’t and couldn’t be misunderstood.

“Listen. No one, especially Brian, doesn’t expect you to do some grand gestures every day. What Brian is doing now is amazing, I concede you that, and it can be terrifying and unsettling because one would expect the same thing in return. But you know him. You know that he doesn’t really care about those demonstrations. He loves to love, he loves to give all the love he has and even more, if it is possible and necessary. But he needs it back as much as you do, even though he is still incapable to ask for it. He needs you to be there, support him and be that safe port where he can finally let down all his walls.”

“So your advice is… to love him.” Nick repeated slowly, Kevin’s words going round and round his mind as he tried to save them and make them his.

“Yep.  – Kevin replied, getting up and patting Nick’s shoulder with his hand. – Especially and mostly when you want to kick him because he still hasn’t told you nothing about what is bothering him.”

“You mean half of the time then?”

“Something like that.”

Nick didn’t know how it happened. Kevin didn’t say anything explicitly, he didn’t say any words that had something to do with a some kind of feeling of being proud. And trust. Especially trust, as if Nick had finally reached that maturity to be trusted with a task that precious and fragile as taking care of someone else. Taking care of Brian. But it happened. Nick could feel it in the way Kevin was looking at him, as if he had suddenly changed into an adult version of himself instead than keep being that little child everyone had tried to protect and love.

And that implied message, that implied “ _I’m so proud of you”_ made Nick sit a little bit straighter and feel a little bit taller and bigger. “Thanks man.”

“Try not to fall all the time, okay?”

“I will.”

And with that Kevin was gone from the ice rink, leaving Nick all alone with his thoughts. Although it didn’t last very long, Nick had just started to list mentally all the ways he was going to love Brian when that man appeared, skating as if he had always done it all of his life.

Figures.

That should be another mystery that no one was ever going to solve. How could it be possible that Brian was so good at every sports? Was that some kind of compensation for all the inches he missed? He was a bundle of never ending energy, always jumping and doing stuff as if his body wasn’t able to just stop for a moment and breathe; no one had ever been allowed to see the down moments, those rare instant when he needed to recharge: Brian had always hide those times, just as he had hidden everything that could might ruin that perfect image he had created of himself. And Nick longed for those seconds, minutes and hours; he longed to be the only one who could witness them, who could wrap his arms around that athletic machine and rest against his chest.

“Hey. Did you have fun?” Brian asked as soon as he was standing in front of Nick, holding two steaming cups full of coffee in his hands. He handed one to Nick, sitting down next him while taking a sip of his. His plan must have worked because Nick was smiling brightly, red cheeks from the cold and eyes shining with a happiness that it had rarely took a place there in the past. And that living image of happiness made him happy too, another step of reassurance towards that amazing and great goal that he had set up for himself. For them.

“Aside from the hundreds times that I feel over… see there? – Nick asked, pointing his index to a distant spot on the ice. – There is probably my butt’s mark on the ice.”

“Ohhh. – Brian exclaimed, putting his arm around Nick’s shoulder. – Did you hurt yourself?”

That closeness, that intimacy, made Nick feel a little warmer. A little bit more loved and happier. It didn’t matter if they were in an ice rink, Nick just wanted to stay there, sit there until time became eternity. “I have to thank all the fat I have if I’m not hurt.”

“Oh, stop it! You’re not fat at all!”

“You really think so?” Nick asked, a trace of uncertainty and insecurity slipping through the cracks of a confidence that had been built as an armor, as something to obtain if he kept believing in it.

“I do. You’re perfect. – Brian replied, looking into Nick’s eyes and not turning away until Nick would understand that he wasn’t lying, nor he was trying to make him feel better. He truly believed it, he truly believed that Nick was the perfect man, at least for him. - And I’m always right, you said it too.” He finished with a big smile, that one that Nick couldn’t resist.

And he didn’t want to.

The day before Nick had hesitated, although now those reasons seemed so stupid and useless. That day, that afternoon, he wasn’t going to hesitate anymore. No more being hold back by old demons and ghosts, no more being trapped in a limbo where he wanted to take a step forward but still didn’t know if it was right. It was them. It was what it had always meant to happen, how they had always meant to be. What was to be afraid of? What was to be scared?

So Nick did. So Nick leaned over, erasing that small distance that still was keeping them far and away from each other. So Nick leaned over and kissed Brian on the corner of his mouth, a sweet and brief caress that turned to be a hot flame, a sparkle of what the future was holding for them. That kiss was a butterfly that Brian wanted to catch and keep safe, secure in that part of his heart and soul that had been changed, transformed, when he had met Nick.

“Thank you.” Nick whispered in a soft breath, their eyes and mouths still so closed.

“For what?” Brian asked back, his heart thrumming and beating so loudly in his ears.

“For everything.”

Time passed by, although none of them could tell how much. Maybe it had been only a second, an instant that time had decided to turn into the hands of infinity and eternity. Time passed and, in that loop, words not spoken were left in the air, ready for hearts to take them and translate them before handing them to their souls.

“You know, the day isn’t over yet.”

“No?” Nick asked, a fingertip tracing the line of Brian’s cheek.

“No. – Brian replied with a smile. – Now it’s time to have fun. Together.”

“What if I fall again?”

Brian stood up and held out his hand for Nick to hold. “Then I’ll catch you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised that I would try to finish this story this year. So here I am. =)  
> Thanks for all the love for this story! <3


	4. 4th Day: Have A Holly Jolly Christmas

_ 4th Day: Have A Holly Jolly Christmass _

_ _

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_  
_

_“Wow. Fourth day._

_I swear, I’ve never thought you would be able to resist until now. You do surprise me, Nick. And that’s one of the thing that I’ve always liked about you. You are never predictable. You are never boring, because your mind is always running, jumping from idea to idea and never sticking to one, never letting yourself be drowned or sucked by thoughts. Or better saying worries. Cause I do worry, you know? Of course you know, you have always been the one telling me to relax, to be as carefree as I appeared to be because worrying, over worrying, would never stop fate and destiny to happen so I should just enjoy things, taking the good with me and forget about the negative._

_And I’m trying. Because it would be so easy to sit here and think about all the things that could go wrong, how I could bore you or even irritate you with these stupid tasks but then… then I stop for a minute. Just a brief second and I see you when you were decorating the tree, trying to prepare the eggnog. Though my favorite one is definitely from yesterday, your laughter and your smile when you managed to skate without even falling once. So I guess that I’m doing something good…_

Nick didn’t even want to keep reading. There was this nagging feeling at the pit of his stomach, an invisible voice that wanted him to drop off everything, drop that letter and whatever Brian had thought for him, and just go. Go and hug that small man that still hid so many layers of insecurities and fragilities. He had never imagined it, back when he was definitely younger and more innocent and Brian was this kind of hero with a cape made of courage and bravery. How could he do? He was even more scared, he was so tangled up inside his own problems that he had never even tried to look a little bit closer, to tell his hero that he could rest a little, he could lean on him if he needed help or just reassurance. And that was what Nick wanted to do in that moment: he wanted to go to Brian and reassure him, tell him that he would never put a stop to that beautiful, amazing thing that was blossoming between them.

_Well, enough with the self pity party._

_Fourth day. I’m guessing that today you would love to do something more relaxing, right? And that’s the most amazing thing about Christmas because everything can be turn into a tradition. You just need a little bit of magic, that’s all. And magic… well, magic is everywhere. Magic is something that you can create, you don’t need to search for it around or be sad because you can’t seem to see or feel it. Magic can be a red hat, the air smelling of just baked cookies. Magic can be a day spent watching old movies, a warm blanket wrapped around you and someone you love, someone you enjoyed their company, sitting next to you. Magic can be walking down the street, be swamped by people doing their shopping and children running because they want to buy their favorite toys before it’s too late. Magic is smiling to people you might meet, old friends that you haven’t seen in awhile and friends that you talked to just some hours before; magic is letting go of fears and shyness, gifting the world with an hello when, usually, you would turn your head in fear that someone might recognize you._

_That’s Christmas._

_So, are you ready to create your own magic?_

“Yes, I am.” Nick whispered, although but his dog was there to hear his reply. He still couldn’t understand what Brian wanted him to do that day but bubbles of excitement were already raising up and trying to come out in a smile.

_As you can see, today you didn’t find just this letter. There is a mp3 player and a map. Now, what you have to do is simply get dressed, put on the music I’ve selected for you and follow that map. See? It’s very easy. There are only a few stops you have to take along the way but, as someone always said: “it’s not the destination that counts but the journey”. So just enjoy the atmosphere around you, smile at every single person you meet, even and most especially if you don’t know them and you won’t meet them ever again. Don’t be shy. Don’t tell to yourself that you’re invisible, that people would look at you weirdly. Sometimes people go through so many things in their life and they don’t know how to handle, how to go through another lonely and fighting day; sometimes people are at the end of their rope, ready to give up because no one seems to care or understand. And, sometimes, all it takes to save a life is a smile. Even from a stranger. Sometimes it’s an hello, or a door opened. The smallest gesture of kindness can make the biggest difference between giving up and holding on._

_That’s creating magic._

_I know it’s true because… I’ve never told you. I’ve never told anyone before but… I’ve been there, Nick. I was in a dark place, I didn’t know how to reach out and say what I needed from others. Sure, I knew that you all would come if I only said that I was struggling but the words weren’t that easy to find. But it took just one smile from the fans at one of our shows and, especially, one from you every time I would get one note right to remind me that I wasn’t alone. And that there was so much else going on around me to only focus on the negative stuff._

_So thank you, Nick. For bringing magic into my life. Now go out and bring magic to the world, I’ll be waiting at the end of this strange and amazing journey._

Nick didn’t even know how to react from those last words. It was as if Brian had slipped open a tiny window to that part of his life that he had always tried to hide, to make it look like as it didn’t even exist. Nick had guessed, though, because it was so much easier to spot darkness when you had already travelled that road: he had recognized the signals, the way his eyes would look more and more as days would pass by and nothing would change; the way Brian basically tried to shrink himself even more, disappearing in a shadow so no one would notice, so no one would ask questions that didn’t have an answer and, at the same time, desiring and longing for someone to come and save him.

If that admission, if those words weren’t a declaration that something deeper, something bigger and much more important, was going on between the two of them, Nick didn’t know how to describe it. And he didn’t want to, he didn’t want to stand there and think about what they could might or not might be: he just wanted to make it happen,

So, with that resolution, he took the Mp3 player and the map and started that new journey.

Literally and metaphorically.

 

 

  


  


  


  


 

*********

  

  


  


  


  


  


  


 

 

“ _Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of year.”_

Nick couldn’t help but singing along to the music, mouthing the words as he walked by the streets. Everything felt magical. Everything felt different. He didn’t actually know why, if it was for the music in his ears or for that crazy project Brian had planned for him: maybe it was both or, maybe, it was just the air around him, that atmosphere of happiness and joy that flew from person to person, from kids running around and then stopping in front of the shops, looking for what their hearts most desired.

“ _Say hello to friends you know and everyone you meet.”_

Contrary to popular belief, Nick was a very shy person. No one could guess that part of him, no one would ever describe him as shy but it was the truth: he could be himself only around people he knew, people he already let inside and he had trusted. With strangers? Weirdly, he didn’t want to be recognized. Weirdly, he didn’t want attention but just being able to walk down the streets and be like everyone else.

Invisible.

That first dare, that first thing to do wasn’t that simple as Brian made it out. Brian was so good at it, he was always the one waving and sharing smiles even when he wasn’t feeling like it; Brian had always been the one actually knowing the names of their neighbors back when they were living in London.

How did he do it?

_“Sometimes it takes only a smile to make someone else feel better.”_

How true were those words.

Especially if the one smiling was Brian.

Brian’s smile had always been Nick’s medicine for the bad days, back when it was just melancholy the illness that haunted and tainted his thoughts and days: just a look, just a glance at that smile, brighter and bigger than the world around them, and Nick knew that nothing could really be that bad or wrong. And Nick knew that he wasn’t that alone, that desperate as his mind kept telling him.

Then something changed.

There had been so many reasons for that change, some that Nick was afraid to face because it meant coming to terms with his own mistakes and faults. But one day Brian’s smile lost its brightness, its spark. It hadn’t been sudden, it hadn’t been something out of the blue, now that Nick could stop and think about it: it had been for him because Nick had been too focus on himself and his demons, because he had been so angry and hurt by Brian’s absence to realize that he wasn’t the only one left with his heart broken and shattered.

Nick had been fooled by his image of Brian, by that memory of his face always smiling and never touched by negativity and dramas. Nick had wanted to be fooled because it seriously scared him to see Brian brought so down to the point that a smile would only be a miracle and an illusion.

How much did it hurt to smile when he didn’t feel like it?

How much left alone did Brian feel when everyone bought his smile and never saw his tears?

And there, right in the middle of the street, busy with people hurrying to get their presents or just having fun, Nick understood why Brian wanted him to smile.

And a smile appeared on his face, almost immediately as thoughts and words started to combine into a perfect puzzle.

“Hello.”

“Good morning.”

“Have a nice day.”

Nick couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop those words before they were already out of his mouth, flying around the people who looked puzzled, surprised and quite skeptical.

And, yet, some actually answered back.

“Hello to you.”

“Good morning, sir!”

“Have a nice day you too!”

His steps felt lighter. His heart seemed to warm up and a funny fuzz was taking a hold of his whole body, chasing away those fears and doubts that still lingered around.

Smiling seemed such a stupid gesture, something that most people didn’t think too much of it. And, yet, there were so many people that needed those smiles to get by another day. He knew it because that was what Brian did back in the day, that was what Brian still did every single day. Nick knew it and, at the same time, he wanted it to be the other way around too.

So, with that thought in mind, Nick got inside his first stop. Well, truth to be told, there was just another stop after that but that was even the whole point. His first stop turned out to be a clothes store and not just one in general.

Christmas sweaters.

Those horrible, embarrassing Christmas sweaters that old families got you because they didn’t know what else to buy.

“You got to be kidding me.” Nick breathed out as Christmas music filled his ears.

“You must be Nick, right? - A young girl appeared out of nowhere, holding a gift and another note attached to it. – I was told to give it to you.”

Nick quickly took that gift and tore its wrapping, revealing his worst nightmare.

A freaking ugly Christmas sweater. Red. With a reindeer wearing a hat and its big, big red nose, taking up most of the space.

_It’s not Christmas without one of these._

_Don’t give me that look, you’ve been known to wear even uglier things so don’t start complaining. You’ll be wearing this sweater and you’ll be walk down the street, where I’ll be waiting for you._

_Don’t be late!_

“No fucking way. I’m not wearing this shit.”

Nick turned the white note around, ready to throw it into the nearest bin, when he noticed that Brian wrote something more.

_“Please. Do it for me. I’ll promise you won’t be the only one wearing it. We’ll be ridiculous beautiful together.”_

Shit.

Brian was seriously a shit. The most adorable one, of course, but still...

Still Nick went to a dressing room and wore that sweater, covering it immediately with his jacket.

Still Nick walked out that store, walked down the street and kept smiling and saying hello to everyone he met. Because Brian was a shit but Nick would do anything for him. 

Even wearing that horrible, terrible and ridiculous sweater.

  


  


  


  


  


*********

  


  


  


 

 

 

Nick arrived at his last stop, a coffee shops that looked like as it belonged to another place and time: it was small, just one large window with mistletoe and red balls, but all that Nick could see was at the man sitting at the table in front of that window.

True to his world, Brian was wearing un ugly Christmas sweater.

And he still appeared to be the most beautiful man in the coffee shop. And he still managed to steal Nick’s breath, made his heart beat a little bit faster because his eyes couldn’t still believe that Brian, that man, was actually waiting for him.

After all those years.

Nick didn’t wait much time. Nick didn’t wait, but got inside and  tore off his jacket, waiting for the laughter as soon as Brian would look up to him.

“This sweater is absolutely ridiculous!”

A grin, a satisfied and proud grin, appeared on Brian’s face, although his eyes brightened up and shined with a different light: warmer, a paler shade of blue that Nick knew only appeared when Brian was happy and comfortable.

“You’re not ridiculous. You look good.”

“I don’t look good, but thanks for the lie.”

“Hey! I’m wearing one too!”

“Yes, I noticed it. – Nick said while sitting down in front of Brian and admiring how the dark blue seemed to enlighten Brian’s face features, the sharpness of the jaw line and how light brown his hair seemed to be. – How do you get to look absolutely fabulous?”

Brian shrugged as a waiter appeared out of the blue and placed two mugs in front of them, the sweet aroma of chocolate floating around them. “I guess it’s a natural gift.”

That smile. Nick drank at that sight, drank that warmth and love that was radiating in just one curve of lips. How could he hadn’t noticed when it went missing? How could he kept doing his life, moving around and be just so absorbed into himself that he hadn’t noticed that there was a star missing in the sky?

How could he had been able not to soar up into that warmth for that long time?

“I want to apologize, Brian.”

“What?” Brian asked confused, his eyebrows raised and his forehead frowning with lines.

Nick didn’t reply immediately. He took a sip from his mug, let the sweet aroma of chocolate warm his throat while trying to gather his thoughts. He knew it was something he should have done before but he had never realized how much selfish and not so “best friend” he had been towards Brian. In his defense, he had to say that it had been hard trying to get underneath Brian’s mask; it had been hard realizing that even a hero had weakness and needed help.

“You’ve been apologizing for every little time you’ve let me down for... well, it’s not just with these letters and all you’ve done for me. I appreciate it. I really do.”

“You really think so?”

“Brian, this is something that it can only happen in a movie. Of course I appreciate it. Especially why you’re doing this and how brave you’ve been.”

“Someone had to take that step.” Brian admitted, feeling blushing like a teenage girl.

“And you’ve been that one. – Nick replied in a soft tone, fighting that urge to just sit up and kiss that man. – I want to be as brave as you’re, admitting my wrongs and wanting to make it right. Is that bad?”

“No, no. Of course it’s not.” Brian wasn’t actually sure how to answer or how to reply. Somehow he had made peace to past scars and heartaches, locking all those images and memories in a place where heart and mind couldn’t access that easily.

Actually, couldn’t access at all.

“You know that you were the one who hurt me the most. You were... you were literally my everything, that guiding star that I would always follow because I didn’t know where or what I was supposed to do. I’ve been so angry at how you left me behind when I turned out not to be the Nick you wanted me to be. But... But I’ve done the same thing. I’ve left you behind because you’ve turned out not to be the hero I had always imagined you to be. And it all started with your surgery. Suddenly you were weak. Suddenly you could die and it frightened me, because I couldn’t picture a life if you weren’t around. You were everything, how could I go on if you wouldn’t be there to teach me? So I stepped away. So I stopped caring because it would hurt too much if something would ever happen to you. – Nick looked down, too ashamed to even hold Brian’s gaze, already filled with comprehension and... love. – I stopped looking at you, really look at you, because I was afraid that my fears would turn out true. I saw you derailing. I saw the signs and all the phone calls I’ve never picked up. I let you down too. I left you alone dealing with your demons and I truly apologize for this.” It wasn’t much, Nick knew this. It couldn’t be enough because he should have been there for Brian, he should have lent a hand when he saw the first trembles and the first lines of worrying crossing Brian’s face. He hadn’t been there because he had wanted to make Brian pay for every tear he had shred and that wasn’t something to be proud of.

Brian was taken aback by those words. By the sentiment held inside those words, and those eyes that were filled with so much regret. He was shocked, of course, because he had never thought, and believed, that Nick did realize how far he had gone down, how many times he had felt rejected and abandoned because he had needed his best friend and he hadn’t been there.

Oh, he had blamed himself. The whole world blamed him and Nick had been so caught up in his problems, that he had been easier telling himself that he was his fault. Because he should had been more present. He should had been able to put his hurt aside and be there for Nick. But, at the same time, he had resented that anger because wasn’t the opposite right too? Didn’t he have the right to ask for help and be comforted during the hard times?

Nick realizing this, Nick asking forgiveness even if Brian had never blamed or pretended him to, was something that made his heart beat a little faster, made it swell with a blossom of love and affection that it was almost impossible to define or determined.

So Brian didn’t say nothing. So Brian just took Nick’s hand in his, placed his fingertips between Nick’s and let that simple message got through skin and nerves: they had been both scarred. They had been hurt and angry, they had acted like fools and blinded by faith and misplaced judgment in other people.

But they made it through. They would make it through. They were starting brand new and nothing from their past needed to be dragged into their future.

Just their love.

And so the world kept turning around them: people came and people went, going after their lives or chasing a dream that only underneath the magic of Christmas could turn out true; chocolates were soon finished, leaving just the after taste in their mouths, and only empty mugs reminded that they were still there, sitting in front of each other and making up for all the time that they had lost.

They were there,

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's December so I'm dusting off this story to get into the Christmas atmosphere.  
> Let's hope to finish it this year!


	5. 5th Day: That’s  When You Know It’s Christmas Time Again

_ 5th Day: That’s  When You Know It’s Christmas Time Again _

 

 

 

 

 

 

__

 

 

 

_I had to use it. Of course I had to use one of the few Christmas songs we've recorded. Which reminds me that we have to record a Christmas album somewhere in the future._

_But enough with that._

_Fifth Day. I bet you’ve thought that I’ve already ran out of ideas. Well, my dear, that’s where you’re wrong. Everything is already planned and the truth is that Christmas is an endless list of activities and traditions, some of them you can actually make it up year after year. That’s the beauty of this time of the year. That’s the beauty of having someone to share those traditions with._

_Fifth day. Well, I should have started with this one right from the beginning but we’re gonna just forget about technicalities, okay? Fifth day is about taking an old tradition and turn into a new one. A special one. An unique one because, sir, don’t think that I’m gonna do it year after year. This is just a special occasion, one that happens only once in a lifetime._

_Just like love._

_You probably know about Advent, right? And maybe you know about the existence of Advent calendar, which is a funny way for children to count down the days until Christmas. This is an old tradition, born years and years ago when a German man decided to twist something his mother used to do, mostly because she was tired of kept asked when Christmas would arrive. What did she do, you might ask. Well, she simply baked cookies and put them into 24 small bags, one for each day left to Christmas. The kid, once he grew older, decided to change it and created the calendar as we know it._

_As you can see, though, I changed it a little bit. There aren’t chocolates or sweets waiting for you, I didn’t want it to something that you can buy wherever you want. I wanted it to be special because... well, because that’s Christmas. Making something special for that someone that you love._

Nick couldn’t help but feeling as if his heart had just been transformed into a nest of butterflies, small wings that were ready to take the first step and fly in the sky. He couldn’t help it because he still couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that it was, in fact, all too very real.

He still couldn’t believe that they were really doing it, they were referring to each other with all those names and words that he had only dared to use in his dreams. But he was Brian’s loved one and that was already the biggest and most precious gift not only for that Christmas but also for the future years.

For infinity and eternity.

_And for you, Nick, I decided to change a little the Advent calendar and create a new one. It’s our personal calendar, keeping track of all these years of knowing each other. Sometimes it hits me, you know? You’ve been part of my life for almost 25 years; you’ve been holding my heart season after season, change after change._

_It’s mind-blowing._

_Every year is a memory. Every year is a collection of snapshots, pictures that we bring along in out memory because they meant something. Sometimes we wish we could erase the worst ones but, you know, they still deserve to be reminded. They’re part of our journey, they are part of who we’ve become and they do make the good one smell and appear even more beautiful and sweater._

_So that’s what this day is all about._

_You and me. Our history. Our journey to a Christmas day that I hope it would be the most wonderful day in our lives._

Oh, Nick already knew it.

Nick already knew that this was going to be the most wonderful day ever. And he couldn’t wait for it to arrive, just like every child in the world was waiting impatiently for Christmas to arrive, with its gifts and its joy.

_24 envelopes. 24 years to discover all over again. 23 memories and one ready to be written._

_You ready to count them down?_

 

Nick didn’t wait a second longer. Brian’s letter was soon put away, delicately and with a care that Nick had never had for a piece of paper before. But those letters couldn’t be throw away, they were statements that he was dreaming, he wasn’t creating a beautiful fantasy that reality was soon going to destroy in a blink. He then turned his attention to the table, where 24 envelopes were forming a tree. The last one, the top of the that paper tree, was also the bigger and Nick wanted to just start from that one, just so that he could see where this crazy idea would bring him to. Yet, at the same time, he didn’t want to leave the other envelopes behind: what was he going to find? Would they be only pictures? Or did Brian add something more? A text? A comment? An episode that had stood out between everything they went through?

Without another thought, Nick took the first one and opened it, revealing a picture of them, two younger themselves. That was really a throwback, straight back to when he was just a kid and Brian... good Lord, Brian hadn’t seriously aged a bit.

_1993  
When everything started. The group. Our adventure. We didn’t know what was going to happen, we couldn’t even imagine how far and big we would become. But 1993 is also the year when two halves finally met. Have you ever thought about our lives before we met? Have you ever looked back and realized how hollow those years have been? How lonely we have been, only because we still haven’t met each other? I did, Nicky. When we met... I can’t forget that day. I was afraid. I was so damn anxious and you know how bad my anxiety can get... I was almost ready to just say hello to Kevin and then go back home when you came up behind him. And smiled. I didn’t know love could strike with just one smile. I didn’t know, back then, that it was love. But I felt better immediately. The group, that project, could turn into dust but I knew, in that moment, that I had found something even more amazing. _

_A best friend. My Frack._

Nick couldn’t help that smile that was warming up his face. As always Brian had been able to put down in words all those emotions and thoughts that he had but never been able to say out loud.

They were young, back in the days when Brian was actually taller than him. They were young and Nick had never known love. Or friendship. School hadn’t been kind with him, pushing him into the shadows and never letting him shining, or noticed by someone else. He had walked those halls always alone; always wondering how it felt not to be always his own best friend; always watching other people laughing and having fun while he was in a corner, reading comics and desiring to be somewhere else.

Then the group came along.

He thought, he believed that things had to change, for they were in four and they had to become friends if they wanted to have, at least, a chance. But he was the youngest and Kevin’s eyebrows kept scaring him. He was the youngest and both Howie and Aj were already friends, sharing jokes and things that he couldn’t understand.  

Then Brian came along.

Nick remembered how anxious he was before his arrival. He had been so set upon the two of them becoming friends, he had wished and prayed that, this time, it would be his turn not to be left behind but chosen in spite of everyone else.

And it happened.

One smile. One joke. One single match at basketball and they were already inseparable, not really knowing what it was that linked them but sure that it was something rare and precious. And Brian was right, oh yes. Brian was damn right that, looking now at those first glances and smiles, it was impossible not to seen how they were always meant to be together.

_1995  
What a year. Remember? Our first time in Europe. Our first recording. The memories we made. The laughs, especially when it came to make fun of Kevin and Howie. Especially Howie. He has always been your favorite victim and this hasn’t changed through the years. _

_Why this picture?_

Nick barely remembered that that photo actually existed. Brian had always gone around with a camera, always taking pictures as if he was afraid to forget where they had been or the moments they were sharing. This particular photo had been taken during a night out, one of the few they were allowed because it had always been all about the work. It was just the two of them, drinking from the same glass of coke and Nick could remember how, that night, he had been so lonely and nostalgic because it was his first time away from his family. Far away, as in on the other side of the ocean and in a country where he could barely understand even when people talked in English. He remembered, now, how Brian had basically pushed him out of that tiny room they were staying and took him to a McDonald. Nothing too fancy. Nothing big but soon all his worries and his fears had been banished and that picture, probably taken by someone Brian had prayed and managed to make himself understood, was the proof that there had been always much deeper and bigger between them.

_This picture just showed us. Our friendship. Our love, whatever it might have been that year. It shows how the world always ceased to exist when we were together, how happy we were together. It shows what I wish for us. Be that happy together, even if we have hurt each other so many times._

“I wish it too.” Nick whispered in the silence, putting the picture down and taking a new one.

_1998_

Nick’s heart clenched painfully watching that picture. He couldn’t forget the exact moment in time when it had been taken. Their first show after Brian’s surgery, the tension clearly visible on everyone’s face. Good Lord, he had been scared. So fucking scared because Brian wasn’t supposed to be up and dancing after only eight weeks. Brian should have been back home, resting and putting on some fucking weight, cause he looked like he had been shrieked.

_  
I almost didn’t want to include it. This year and others, actually. I still don’t like thinking back at this year, there are so many bad memories that I still can’t shake away. It’s stupid, actually. I’m alive, that’s the most important thing. I’ve made it through and we made it through so I shouldn’t be this afraid to talk about it, almost twenty years later._

_And yet, I am._

_That night I almost ran away. I wasn’t ready, no matter how much I appeared the opposite. Everything felt strange. My own body felt as if it didn’t belong to me, as if I was a stranger mind that had happened to live in that body out of the blue. I was angry. So much angry, filled with resentment and frustration. I was angry at you, Nick._

Nick had been angry with himself too. The first cut in their relationship had happened right there, where he had failed at being the supportive shoulder that Brian had needed. But no one had ever taught him how to be strong one, how to put away his own fears because someone else needed to be comforted and helped. How could he know, back then? He had been afraid, terrified of losing his whole world that he had thought that, maybe, it was better to stay away from the destruction.

_I was so angry with myself, too. I let it happened. I didn’t put myself first, I didn’t make myself a priority. I didn’t ask for help. Even that night. I should have put my foot down but, instead, I wanted to prove to you that I was still your hero, that brave superhero that wouldn’t let anything to hold him back._

_But you know who helped me that night?_

_You._

_Even if we didn’t talk much that night, even if you kept looking at me like I was about to break into a million pieces. But you were there, silently pushing me to keep going and keep smiling. You were there, offering me a bottle of water at every break. You were there and, that night, it meant the world to me._

Another envelope. Another picture. Another year and another step into their complicated relationship. The world at their feet, the crazy months spent around the world and people screaming and going crazy even for just one smile. Nick didn’t remember much of those years, alcohol and meaningless sex had already beginning to be part of his routine; he remembered how lonely he had felt, no matter how many people were always around him, wanting and demanding something from him. 

_2000_

_I know you felt like I’ve abandoned you when I got married. You were happy for me, although it was kinda of obvious that you showed up to my wedding already drunk and I can’t really blame you. You were hurt. You were hurting and I can still read your pain even in this photo, when you tried to smile although you were dying inside._

_We really hurt each other, didn’t we?_

_I can say a lot of things. I can ask for your forgiveness but the truth is that you weren’t the only one who felt lost. I was too. I loved you but I knew that that love wasn’t the one people would be comfortable. I knew that people expected from me the perfect family, the perfect family man who settled down and started his own dream. I was lost because... because I needed someone who would take care of me, who would take the reins of control because I was tired of being the responsible one. The mature one. The one who knew everything. I needed a direction. I needed a purpose and she... she gave it to me. She saw the little boy who had tried so hard to be invincible and didn’t make me feel invisible and played her cards. She knew I was in love with you and did everything to make me feel like it was wrong. Like I was the one wrong and you know, Nick, how much I try everyday to be perfect._

Nick sat down, reading those words over and over again. Because Brian never opened himself up this much. Not with him. Not with anyone else, as much as Nick knew. Even not with Aj that, over the years, had become a sort of second confident, that friend that Nick hadn’t been able to be because... well, because he had been too busy trying to find himself all over again.

The truth hurt. The truth of those years that had kept them apart, the hate they had both felt because they believed that it was the other that had to take the first step. The truth was that, yes, Nick had felt abandoned by his best friend, by his whole world and had tried so hard to drink away the pain and the hurt. But, between those waves of heartache, there was the realization that he had abandoned Brian too. He had left him behind because they didn’t share the same interests anymore, because Brian wanted to be someone Nick couldn’t be at that time. Brian wanted him to be someone he couldn’t be at that time, someone that could stand up and tell Brian that it was okay to need someone, that it was okay not to be always so damn perfect.

But how could Nick be that person if he hadn’t known yet who he was?

_Everything happens for a reason. That is what my mother has always told me. Maybe we needed to go through that dark time. Maybe we needed to make those mistakes, we needed to learn how terrible and unnatural it is to be so far away from each other. Can we promise each other not to make that mistake once again?_

“Of course.” Nick knew that Brian couldn’t hear him, unless he was hiding somewhere in the house. Yet those words left his lips as if they were made of the same air that he breathed out.

The 2005 envelope contained a picture of them, during a sound check: Brian holding a too small Baylee and Nick looking at them, unaware of the world keep moving around.

_I love this picture, you know? Somehow it shows what we could have been. Us. Our family. Good Lord, listen to me. We are not even together and I’m already talking about a family. Don’t mind me. Or mind me, because I know that a family is what you’ve always wanted. And that was also what scared you the most. You wanted the fame. You wanted to have fun and live the popstar life. You wanted the attention and you know just one way to obtain that._

Been used. That was the only way Nick knew. He didn’t matter how much sick and ashamed it made him feel in the morning. He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to look at what he could have had, if he hadn’t been so lost. Looking at Brian and his perfect family hurt more than Nick would ever admit with himself because... well, it wasn’t just that he wanted to be part of that family, it wasn’t just because that was his dream, impossible to realize because Brian hadn’t wanted him back then. It hurt him because it wasn’t fair. Or, that was what he felt at that time. It wasn’t fair because he was the one that should have deserved it more than anyone else.

_I know you resented me. I know you were jealous because that was your dream and, instead, you kept getting shit and people who used your heart and leave it broken. And as much as I wanted to reach out and pull you inside my world, I was afraid. I was scared because it wasn’t just about me and my desires. There was a little one, my son, and I promised myself that I would never turn out to be just like my father._

_But instead than looking at this picture with regrets and sadness, you know what we can do? We can look at this picture and see how perfect we can be. How we are meant to be together, even when we hated each other. Something always pulled us together. And that something, now, it’s something that can’t be fought anymore. Look at this picture and see our future, Nick._

Another picture. Another year. Another memory or, as it turned out, another revelation. This wasn’t just a trip memory, this wasn’t just a collection of snapshots of them through the years: this was Brian’s way to let Nick inside those moments that had always been closed off from everyone. This was Brian’s way to show his soul and his weakness, secrets that could turn out to be weapons or could glue them even tighter.

_2012_

_There were so many pictures that I could choose from for this year. This is the year when we started getting back together, wasn’t it? London helped it. London helped us because it was just us. You and me. It was so easy to think and believe that it could always be like that._

_But fate hasn’t always been by our side, right?_

_I chose, for this year, a picture from the show we did in London. You remember it, right? The night when we told everyone that Kevin was coming back. That smile... there is only one person that can make me smile like that, even when I’m in the middle of my self-destruction._

_You._

_I was terrified. More than ever, more even than when I had my heart surgery. At least, with that operation, I knew that I was going to fix whatever was wrong with me. My voice? It was a nightmare. A nightmare that I’ve been living for months, dark clouds that had already managed to pull me under and blinded me into believing that if I didn’t say something, maybe everything would just go away._

_What a fool._

_That night was the hardest. I just had my diagnosis and it hadn’t been a relief. Because it didn’t give me a solution, it didn’t give me a cure. Just a hope, although thin and fragile. How was I supposed to stand on that stage and sing when it hurt? How was I supposed to be happy and carefree when all I wanted was to break down? I almost did. Right before that smile, when we were still behind the stage, you just put a hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was fine. It shouldn’t have bothered me that much. Just a simple question, right? But I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say that I was fine. I couldn’t lie, not like that. Not to you. For once, I wanted to be comforted. I wanted someone to say that it was going to be okay, just a few more songs and I could go home and rest._

_That’s what you did._

_You always made me think and believe that I could push through everything. You always believed in me, even when I didn’t have any faith left._

Only one left.

Nick didn’t know how much time had gone by. Maybe hours. Or maybe less. It didn’t matter. It had been a hell of a journey, a glimpse into a life that they could have had if they hadn’t been so naïve and so desperate to be loved.

Because that was the end of the story, the red line that linked every picture and every year together. They wanted to be loved, they wanted it so badly that they ended up following the wrong road. They wanted to be accepted, even Brian, even the man Nick had thought had never had problems with confidence.

How could he miss it?

Not anymore.

Nick was about to take the last envelope left when it started to ring, which was kind of funny because the ring was exactly similar to his own. Confused and surprised, Nick opened it just to find that, somehow, Brian had managed to take his phone and put it in an envelope.

“When did you take my phone?”

“Obviously. When you were sleeping. – Brian’s voice came with a silver ringing, that happy tone that was always able to shake something inside Nick’s heart. – Also, you shouldn’t leave it around. What if I was a thief?”

“A thief that only steal a phone?”

“Nick Carter’s phone.”

“You know that I don’t keep compromising photos on my phone.”

“A thief can sell our numbers to the fans.”

“Good Lord.”

“Howie will probably be the happiest.”

“Probably Aj.”

“Let’s hope we’ll never find out.”

“True. – Brian took a breath, shuffling from one foot to the other. – So, did you like today’s task?”

“You’re crazy, you know? How long did it take?”

“A few days. But only because I wanted it to be perfect. And also because we have so many pictures together. It was hard to choose the right one.”

“And the right memory.”

“That too. – Brian answered after a moment of silence. – I wanted to show how we’ve always been intertwined together, even those times when we felt like strangers.”

“You’ve never been a stranger.”

“I hoped. I wished.”

“Except that one photo is missing.”

“That’s the reason why I’m calling. I mean, it’s kind of obvious why there isn’t a picture for this year.”

“Because you want us to take one right now?”

“You’re getting smarter.”

“I try to.”

“But yes. That was the idea. A circle that finally finds its end. An ending that it’s also a beginning because we’re about to start something new. – Brian lowered his tone, as though as he didn’t want Nick to hear it. – I hope, at least.”

It hit Nick. That insecurity. That second guessing. It hit him and Nick wanted nothing more but reach out and shake those emotions out of Brian because they didn’t belong to him. Or, better to say, they didn’t belong to the Brian that was always in his mind, that hero that would never be written off no matter how many falls and blows was going to take.

“So, are you gonna come inside and do I have to come outside?”

“Wherever you want. It’s your task, after all.”

Nick looked around, trying to find the perfect spot for their first picture together. Well, technically they had already taken thousands of pictures together but this one was different. Of course it was, it was going to be the picture that would remind them about this courtship, about these twelve days full of wonderful things and a love that was already bursting.

Then he was his, actually, their Christmas tree.

“I’ll meet you by the Christmas tree.”

“Right under the mistletoe?” Brian asked while opening and closing the front door behind him. There he appeared, a smile that could win any competition against the brightest lights in the whole world.

“When did you place it?”

“You did. I’m shorter, remember?”

Nick closed the phone call, already preparing its camera so that he could take a picture right in that moment. He didn’t want to forget, he didn’t want to let his fantasy paint and design something that was almost impossible to come up with.

Camera ready, Nick wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist, catching the man by surprise. “Smile to the camera.”

But Brian didn’t smile. Or, better, he did smile but Nick was taken away by another surprise. A small kiss, a touch of a butterfly right upon his lips and right when he was about to hit the button.

And that was how the camera caught their 24th moment together.

And that was how the camera caught their first kiss. Not quite a first kiss but it was as tender, sweet and important.

Right underneath the mistletoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I haven't forgotten about this story.  
> Even if the holidays are about to end, I'll still keep writing it because I want to finish. It's one of my writing resolution for this new year: to finish my stories and then start a new one. (And boy if I'm going to have fun with my next one XD).

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Christmas is already over but inspiration doesn't have a calendar so... :D  
> Plus, it's so packed with fluff that I couldn't not write it.


End file.
